IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

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Unhealthy
food
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 can have a negative effect on human
health
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. A lot of processed
food
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 and privilege contains massive amounts of
sugar
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, and it causes diseases. Increasing the prices of
sugar
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 can help keep people away from buying sugary meals. I think the government should increase
taxes
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 on
sugar
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 to reduce diseases, like diabetes and obesity, and to encourage restaurants to
use
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 healthy
alternatives
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 to
sugar
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. My contention will be
further
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 explained. To embark on, increasing
taxes
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 on
sugar
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 can help decrease the rate of diseases,
such
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 as obesity and diabetes.
In other words
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, sugary
food
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 is considered to be unhealthy, because it can affect human
health
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 negatively, and it is linked to the occurrence of chronic disease.
for example
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, a published article studied the effect of
sugar
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 on human
health
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, and it revealed, that not only that
sugar
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cause
Change the verb form
causes
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 serious illness, but
also
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 it
had
Wrong verb form
has
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 a harmful effect on the IQ of young children.
hence
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, eating less
sugar
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 can aid in avoiding serious
health
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 problems.
Furthermore
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, if the government puts high
taxes
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 on
sugar
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, some restaurants will not be able to
use
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 it.
Therefore
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, reducing the amount of unhealthy
food
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, and encourages them to
use
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 other healthy
alternatives
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 to
sugar
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, like honey, stevia, and date
sugar
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. A prime example
,
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apply
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is
astudy
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a study
 done by doctors in India showed that the
use
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 of healthy sugars can reduce glucose levels in diabetic patients, and reduce the prevalence of obesity.
Hence
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, increasing
taxes
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 on
sugar
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, not only, will encourage people to
use
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 healthy
alternatives
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, but
also
Linking Words
, will make people in society consume sweet drinks and
food
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 without a negative impact on their
health
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. In conclusion, increasing
taxes
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 on
sugar
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,
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apply
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 will decrease the consumption of sugary
food
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 and drinks,
additionally
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, It will encourage restaurants to
use
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 other healthy
alternatives
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. To restate my opinion, I think it is a good step to put high
taxes
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 on
sugar
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, so we can have a healthier community.

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Response to prompt
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Organization and flow
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Use of examples
Inclusion of relevant examples to support your points, even though they could be further detailed.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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