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Band 5.5

Some people think that in the modern society, individuals are becoming more dependent on each other, while others say that individuals are becoming more independent of each other. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #society #individuals
People
 have argued about how human life is in the modern
days
. A group of
people
 believe that human beings have become more independent these
days
, but others think that humans are more dependent on their kind. The following essay will discuss both opinions, but in my personal view, I believe that
people
 have become more independent nowadays. Several
people
 believe that mankind has become more dependent on each other these
days
.
Due to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
globalisation, the cost of living in many countries has increased significantly in the past recent years which
enforce
Verb problem
forces
show examples
 both husband and wife to work hard, to fulfil their family's expenditures.
As a result
, many families
are relying
Wrong verb form
rely
show examples
 on their parents or babysitters
in taking
Change preposition
to take
show examples
 care of their children.
On the other hand
, some
people
 think that humans are more independent these
days
.
Firstly
,
due to
 the rapid development of the medical world, the average life expectancy of the human being has positively improved. As
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
senior
people
 are healthier these
days
, it means that they are less dependent on their sibling or their children.
Secondly
, with the existence of electronic household devices,
such
 as washing and drying
machine
Fix the agreement mistake
machines
show examples
 and microwave
oven
Fix the agreement mistake
ovens
show examples
, mankind
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 less dependent on housekeepers. They could
just
Rephrase
apply
show examples
easily place their dirty clothes in the washing machine or just place the frozen food in the oven, and it will be ready in an instant. In conclusion, many
people
 think that human beings are more independent these
days
, but others disagree with
the
Correct determiner usage
this
show examples
 statement. In my point of view, mankind is less reliable to others nowadays, since the world has improved in many ways,
such
 as in the medical field and in information technology.
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Structure
Continue to maintain a clear structure in your essays, with distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
Content
Develop your paragraphs with specific examples to support your points. This strengthens your arguments and makes them more convincing.
Language
Consider introducing more complex structures and a wider range of vocabulary to enhance the sophistication of your writing.
Task Response
You have effectively discussed both views and provided a clear personal stance, which is excellent for task achievement.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay is well-organized, with clear paragraphs and logical progression of ideas, contributing to high coherence and cohesion.
Examples
Use of relevant examples to support your points helps to make your arguments more compelling.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • interdependence
  • globalized economy
  • collaborative work environments
  • crowd-sourced
  • empowered
  • perception
  • availability
  • autonomy
  • reliance
  • shifted
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