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Writing Samples
Band 5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advatanges of having an ageing population outweigh the disavantages?

#countries #people #population #governments #society #advatanges #disavantages
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Expectancy of life has increased dramatically during the
last
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 decades
as well as
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 there are more prevalent
of
Change preposition
apply
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chronic diseases.
For
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this
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 reason, many scientists argue that longevity has more drawbacks,
however
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, many others believe that
Correct article usage
the aging
show examples
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
 population represents wisdom. From my perspective, I
considere
Correct your spelling
consider
considered
 that demerits outweigh merits, and in
this
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 essay, I explain in detail my reasons. To start with,
aging
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ageing
show examples
 is a natural process that every human has to face, it is not only about
wrinckles
Correct your spelling
wrinkles
 or the deterioration of some physical attributes
,
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apply
show examples
 but
also
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 about biological mechanisms because body cells are under chronic stress and their
intrisic
Correct your spelling
intrinsic
 capacity of survival decreases.
Therefore
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,
human's
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human
show examples
 functionality falls gradually until simple tasks have to be supported by relatives or care workers.
For example
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, dementia, which
is exemplify
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is exemplified
show examples
 by
Alzhimer
Correct your spelling
Alzheimer
 disease or frontotemporal dementia, has reached
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 acme during the
last
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 century.
Besides
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, nowadays chronic illnesses, namely primary hypertension, diabetes, and chronic renal disease, have shown more
debastating
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devastating
 consequences by affecting seriously the quality of life.
Additionally
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, polices
of
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for
show examples
 retirement are highly recognized worldwide,
however
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, they rely on the financial
requiriments
Correct your spelling
requirements
 that should be completed by
people
Use synonyms
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 are economically active. During the
last
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years
Correct quantifier usage
few years
show examples
,
rate
Correct article usage
the rate
show examples
 of
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
people
Use synonyms
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 been increasing,
however
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,
rate
Correct article usage
the rate
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 of natality has decreased steadily.
As a consequence
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 of
this
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, in the near future, the economic field might collapse
due to
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 the lack of resources to supply pensioners.
For example
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, in Colombia, the system
are
Verb problem
has
show examples
 not
being
Verb problem
apply
show examples
paid
by
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apply
show examples
workers since approximately 10 years ago,
then
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 most elder
people
Use synonyms
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 not receiving their payments, and there are not enough vacancies
for employing
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to employ
show examples
 them.
To sum up
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, there are more disadvantages than benefits related to longer lives and ancient
people
Use synonyms
.
However
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, social, political, cultural, and
gubernmental
Correct your spelling
governmental
 issues should be taken into account.
Submitted by luciaagudelomotta on

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task response
Try to provide a balanced view by discussing both sides of the argument more evenly, especially if the prompt asks for a comparison of advantages and disadvantages.
coherence and cohesion
Consider using a wider range of linking words to enhance coherence, such as besides, furthermore, in contrast, etc.
coherence and cohesion
Be mindful of minor spelling and grammatical errors, such as 'considere' instead of 'consider' and 'polices' instead of 'policies'. These small inaccuracies can detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of your writing.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion that succinctly present your main argument.
logical structure
You have structured your essay logically, with distinct paragraphs each addressing a specific aspect of the topic.
complete response
You effectively use specific examples to support your arguments, which aids task achievement.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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