IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that children should learn to paint and draw. Others believe that is a wast of time. Discuss both wiews and give your own opinion.

#people #children #paint #wast #time #wiews
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
While
 some people believe that
children
 have to know how could paint and draw, others do not believe
this
 opinion and say
that is
 not necessary to spend their
time
 with that
also
 I believe the rather opinion. Painting and drawing are so fantastic for
children
's pleasure times and give them feel
like
Change preposition
of
show examples
 being relaxed and calming down. When a person is doing some artwork her or his mind gets empty because of the activity which is doing
that is
 very helpful for our conscious. One of the most famous doctors in England has done some research on
children
, he gave them a painting book and after one week saw their brain tape and realized their brains work more than almost 50% better than before painting these books.
On the other hand
, there is a belief that
says
Verb problem
apply
show examples
painting for
children
 is a waste of
time
.
Children
 have a lot of homework from their
school
 and many activities which they do when they are at
school
 and there is not enough
time
 for doing
another thing
Fix the agreement mistake
other things
show examples
 when they come back home and if they want to do something like painting, they must have less rest at
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
home. It is very important for them when they are in
grow
Change the form of the verb
growing
show examples
 age
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
not to do too much activity that could destroy their growth. In conclusion,
children
 need
time
 to be relaxed to be able to learn their lessons in
school
 and not to be tried. So it is better for them to focus on some more important subjects are their rest and
school
 subjects which are usually a lot.
Submitted by TUTOO on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
The essay needs more specific examples and evidence to support the arguments made. Including a broader range of perspectives with data or studies would strengthen the task response.
task achievement
Some ideas are not fully developed. Expanding on key points with more depth and detail will help make your ideas clearer and more comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical flow of the essay. Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next and that your arguments are connected logically.
coherence cohesion
The essay structure is generally good, but make sure that each paragraph has a single clear main idea. This will improve coherence and make your arguments easier to follow.
overall
Try to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary and sentence structures to demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which provides a structured framework for your discussion.
task achievement
The topic is addressed from both perspectives, showing an understanding of the different viewpoints.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: