Some people argue that art, such as paintings and music are a waste of money and and the government should spend this money on pubic service To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Although
, the state ought to use the capital on creating
Change preposition
to create
employments
Fix the agreement mistake
employment
along
the Change preposition
in
nations
, Fix the agreement mistake
nation
however
, music
bring
excitement Change the verb form
brings
as well as
painting provides nice
image of the city which Add an article
a nice
the nice
persuade
tourists to visit the place.Correct subject-verb agreement
persuades
Therefore
, I personally disagree that the adminstration
must spend cash on Correct your spelling
administration
construction
of roads and railway lines or Add an article
the construction
paying
public workers.
Commencing, Wrong verb form
pay
instead
of using money to pay painters as well as
musicians, it is very important to make those notes as wages of
civil servants.Change preposition
for
Additionally
, the authority should save currency to construct new or spagetti
roadways in the cities, these roads can reduce traffic jams along the way of the workers to and from graft.A very good example to illustrate could be in my native city, mayors used to save cash and not give it to celebrities or even artisans Correct your spelling
spaghetti
due to
the fact that they want to keep our place more tidy
because they use that money to pay public workers.To add on, they Replace the words
tidier
also
use that balance on transport
system and even today the transport Add an article
the transport
syatem
is well organised, Correct your spelling
system
this
means that it is fast and convinient
.
Correct your spelling
convenient
On the other hand
, painting and music
also
play a pivotal role in our lives, hence
as humans
we should plead to the state to give them a handful salary since in the long Add a comma
humans,
run
it may bring travellers Add a comma
run,
which
they provide foreign currency.Correct pronoun usage
whom
Furthermore
, in terms of music
, musicians can encounter many human beings to come and listen to the
romantic songs.Correct article usage
apply
For example
, in South Africa, a huge population recently travelled from abroad such
as United
Kingdom, Correct article usage
the United
United
States Of America Correct article usage
the United
as well as
New Zealand to see Makhadzi a South African musicians
. Correct the article-noun agreement
South African musicians
a South African musician
This
clearly shows that some of these celebrities can also
play a role in the improvements of the country settings.
To conclude
, music
and painting can bring happiness, unity and beautiful imaging
of the world, Fix the agreement mistake
images
thus
, I totally disagree that money should only spend
on public services.Wrong verb form
be spent
Submitted by cajaah93 on
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Introduction Enhancement
Consider providing a more balanced overview of your argument in the introduction to clearly set the stage for your discussion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Try to use a wider range of linking words and phrases to smooth transitions between ideas for enhanced readability.
Task Response Depth
Enhance paragraphs with more specific examples and explanations to deepen your argument and support your views more robustly.
Grammar and Accuracy
Be mindful of grammatical accuracy and aim to reduce errors for clarity and greater impact of your message.
Position Clarity
Your essay presents a well-structured argument against the statement, making clear your position.
Effective Examples
You've effectively used real-life examples, such as the impact of musicians like Makhadzi, to illustrate your points.
Convincing Conclusion
The conclusion effectively sums up your viewpoint, emphasizing the importance of arts for happiness, unity, and the city's image.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.
‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.
Examples:
I really want to study but I’m too tired.
I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.
If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.
Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+
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