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Band 5.5

Some people say that to prevent illness and disease, government should focus more on reducing enviromental pollution and housing problems. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #illness #disease #government #focus #pollution
The government should give more attention to
shorten
Wrong verb form
shortening
show examples
enviromental
Correct your spelling
environmental
pollution
 and housing
problems
 in order to reduce
illness
 and
diseases
.
Although
 I accept that
enviromental
Correct your spelling
environmental
problems
 might be
reason
Add an article
the reason
a reason
show examples
 for many health
problems
, I believe that the
governments
 have to focus on hospitals and clinic services. The Earth has faced a variety of natural issues
such
 as
water
 and air
pollution
, acid rain, climate change, global warming and others
due to
humans
Change the noun form
human
show examples
 activities, industrial waste, burning forests and so on.
As a result
, people are forced to deal with health
problems
 and reduce
illness
. Because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 air and
water
pollution
 could
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
cause some dangerous epidemics and
diseases
.
For example
, in 1990, the most pressing problem
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 India was
water
pollution
. The main reason was that almost 40 million litres of wastewater was poured
rivers
Change preposition
into rivers
show examples
 and other
water
 sources.
Consequently
, nearly 25 million Indians suffered from waterborne
diseases
 like
choleria
Correct your spelling
cholera
choleric
.
Therefore
, the countries should prevent
illness
 by reducing
enviromental
Correct your spelling
environmental
pollution
.
On the other hand
, people should be more responsible for nature rather than
governments
. The
governments
 have to pay more attention to clinic services. Some hospitals which are located in small cities, remote villages and even some countries could not offer special services.
Thus
, many cases of
diseases
 are being experienced in
such
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
 of places.
For instance
, in 2020, a large number of people died in the world because of Coronavirus and
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of enough experts, medicines and technologies.
Therefore
, the
governments
 must provide the hospitals with special items and tools. In
conculation
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, if the
governments
 focus on improving the quality of medical
sevices
Correct your spelling
services
,
illness
 and
diseases
 will be reduced.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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task achievement
Be sure to directly address the question in your introduction to make your position clear from the beginning.
coherence and cohesion
Consider varying your sentence structures to enhance readability and demonstrate a wide range of grammatical structures.
task achievement
Your essay effectively discusses both sides of the argument, showing a balanced view.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear, effectively framing your essay.
task achievement
You have utilized relevant examples to support your points, like the water pollution issue in India and the challenges faced during the Coronavirus pandemic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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