IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Nowadays, technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example through cell phone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, some people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

#technology #people #cell #phone #security #cameras #cases #development
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Nowadays, it is readily apparent that
technology
 plays a vital role in human life and society.
This
 development has been used to monitor the activity that
people
 do in a day through many devices. In my opinion,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
technology
 gives various positive consequences rather than drawbacks, which will be discussed in the following paragraphs. When
people
 are not aware of them being tracked or monitored, it is certainly the cause of many negative consequences.
However
, education is the key to solving the problem.
By educating
Change preposition
Educating
show examples
 individuals about tracking and monitoring, helps promote awareness and empower individuals to protect their privacy. It is important for
people
 to learn and be more careful in what they act or speak both in private and public.
On the other hand
, it is obvious that there are numerous advantages for the monitor
technology
. For security purposes, these tools not only help police officers in the investigation in the track of criminals, but they
also
 deter the rate of crime that could happen.
This
 can ensure the safety of
people
 in society.
Additionally
, tracking
technology
 that provides the location of individuals through cell phones
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
 the healthcare service reach out to
people
 more easily, when they accidentally face a health-related problem.
To sum up
,
technology
 is increasingly benefiting humans and society. It can improve the standard of living to be safer and peaceful.
While
 I believe the advantages of
this
 advancement outweigh the disadvantages,
people
 should be careful and mindful of using it, as it has the potential to impact their lives.
Submitted by nnatthinee on

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task response
Make sure to provide more detailed examples to strengthen your arguments and make them more convincing.
task response
Try to develop your paragraphs further with more detailed arguments and evidence.
coherence cohesion
Work on making your transitions between paragraphs smoother for better cohesion.
coherence cohesion
Consider revising your introduction and conclusion to make them more impactful and to better bookend your essay.
task response
You've taken a clear stance and developed your essay around that perspective, demonstrating a good understanding of the task requirement.
coherence cohesion
Your essay structure is logical and easy to follow, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence cohesion
You’ve effectively used a mixture of complex and simple sentences, contributing positively to the readability of your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • 1. Surveillance
  • 2. Monitoring
  • 3. Cell phone tracking
  • 4. Security cameras
  • 5. Public safety
  • 6. Law enforcement
  • 7. Privacy concerns
  • 8. Personal freedom
  • 9. Autonomous
  • 10. Breach of trust
  • 11. Misuse of information
  • 12. Institutional integrity
  • 13. Psychological impact
  • 14. Mental well-being
  • 15. Societal trust
  • 16. Paranoia
  • 17. Transparency
  • 18. Stringent regulations
  • 19. Criminal deterrence
  • 20. Apprehension of criminals
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