the chart shows the percentage of males and females who were overweight in Australia from 1980 and 2010
The chart reveals
statistic
of overweight men and women Fix the agreement mistake
statistics
of
Australia between the Change preposition
in
year
Fix the agreement mistake
years
of
1980 and 2010, with figures presented in Change preposition
apply
percentage
.
Fix the agreement mistake
percentages
Overall
, the population of obesed
Australian Correct your spelling
obese
obsessed
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
had
been always smaller than Wrong verb form
has
the
Correct your spelling
that
Change preposition
of male
male
. Fix the agreement mistake
males
Although
, in the Correct word choice
However
year
Fix the agreement mistake
years
of
2000 and 2010, over half of Australian people Change preposition
apply
in
both Change preposition
of
gender
experienced excessive body mass index Change to a plural noun
genders
problem
.
Going into the details, in the period of 30 years after 1980, there Fix the agreement mistake
problems
were
no improvement in maintaining Change the verb form
was
healthy
weight which Add an article
a healthy
indicated
by the upward trend and Add a missing verb
was indicated
ultimatey
in the year Correct your spelling
finally
of
2000 Change preposition
apply
portion
of overweight Correct article usage
the portion
male
had spiked to the level of 60%. Fix the agreement mistake
males
Moreover
, a decade after
, a slight improvement Rephrase
later
were
apparent where the numbers Change the verb form
was
were
Verb problem
apply
decline
for the men and more or less the same for the women. Wrong verb form
declined
Finally
, it is worth noting that though most of the time the figures were significantly different between gender
, there was a moment in 1990 Fix the agreement mistake
genders
where
they were just a tad different.Correct word choice
when
Submitted by stood87 on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "improvement" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
▼