IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

the chart shows the percentage of males and females who were overweight in Australia from 1980 and 2010

the chart shows the percentage of males and females who were overweight in Australia from 1980 and 2010
#percentage #males #females #australia
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The chart reveals
statistic
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statistics
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 of overweight men and women
of
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in
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 Australia between the
year
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years
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of
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apply
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1980 and 2010, with figures presented in
percentage
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percentages
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.
Overall
Linking Words
, the population of
obesed
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obese
obsessed
 Australian
female
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females
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had
Wrong verb form
has
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 been always smaller than
the
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that
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of male
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male
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males
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.
Linking Words
Although
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However
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, in the
year
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years
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of
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apply
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2000 and 2010, over half of Australian people
in
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of
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 both
gender
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genders
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 experienced excessive body mass index
problem
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problems
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. Going into the details, in the period of 30 years after 1980, there
were
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was
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 no improvement in maintaining
healthy
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a healthy
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 weight which
indicated
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was indicated
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 by the upward trend and
ultimatey
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finally
 in the year
of
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apply
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2000
portion
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the portion
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 of overweight
male
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males
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 had spiked to the level of 60%.
Moreover
Linking Words
, a decade
after
Rephrase
later
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, a slight improvement
were
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was
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 apparent where the numbers
were
Verb problem
apply
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decline
Wrong verb form
declined
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 for the men and more or less the same for the women.
Finally
Linking Words
, it is worth noting that though most of the time the figures were significantly different between
gender
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genders
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, there was a moment in 1990
where
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when
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 they were just a tad different.
Submitted by stood87 on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "improvement" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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