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Band 6.5

the chart shows the percentage of males and females who were overweight in Australia from 1980 and 2010

the chart shows the percentage of males and females who were overweight in Australia from 1980 and 2010
#percentage #males #females #australia
The chart reveals
statistic
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statistics
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 of overweight men and women
of
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in
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 Australia between the
year
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years
show examples
of
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apply
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1980 and 2010, with figures presented in
percentage
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percentages
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.
Overall
, the population of
obesed
Correct your spelling
obese
obsessed
 Australian
female
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females
show examples
had
Wrong verb form
has
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 been always smaller than
the
Correct your spelling
that
show examples
Change preposition
of male
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male
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males
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.
Although
Correct word choice
However
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, in the
year
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years
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of
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apply
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2000 and 2010, over half of Australian people
in
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of
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 both
gender
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genders
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 experienced excessive body mass index
problem
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problems
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. Going into the details, in the period of 30 years after 1980, there
were
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was
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 no improvement in maintaining
healthy
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a healthy
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 weight which
indicated
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was indicated
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 by the upward trend and
ultimatey
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finally
 in the year
of
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apply
show examples
2000
portion
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the portion
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 of overweight
male
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males
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 had spiked to the level of 60%.
Moreover
, a decade
after
Rephrase
later
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, a slight improvement
were
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was
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 apparent where the numbers
were
Verb problem
apply
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decline
Wrong verb form
declined
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 for the men and more or less the same for the women.
Finally
, it is worth noting that though most of the time the figures were significantly different between
gender
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genders
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, there was a moment in 1990
where
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when
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 they were just a tad different.
Submitted by stood87 on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "improvement" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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