In some countries, there has been an increase in the number of advertisements that try to persuade children to buy snacks, toys, and other goods. Some people claim this is unfair as parents feel under pressure to buy these kinds of things for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Many people say that it is not fair for
parents
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

worlwide
Correct your spelling
worldwide

If you don’t want worlwide to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

to deal with
such
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

a huge amount of stress caused by their
children
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

due to
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

the rise of ads encouraging
children
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

to buy their products. I strongly agree with
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

because of
parent's
Correct article usage
the parent's

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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longer working hours and the strain between family members.
Firstly
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, many
parents
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

have to work overtime in order to improve
the
Change the word
their

The word the may be incorrect in this context. Consider changing it.

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income. It is obvious that every
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

parents
Change to a singular noun
parent

The singular quantifier every is followed by the plural noun parents. Consider changing the noun to the singular or using a different quantifier.

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want
Correct subject-verb agreement
wants

It seems that the verb want does not agree with the subject. Consider changing the verb form.

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the best to happen to their
children
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

so
that
Correct word choice
apply

It seems that conjunction use may be incorrect here.

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they always prepare to pay for whatever their
children
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

need.
However
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, if only
Wrong verb form
relying
show examples
Wrong verb form
relying

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb rely. Consider changing it.

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rely
Wrong verb form
relying
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on the normal wage,
parents
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

will not be able to afford different aspects
Change preposition
of
show examples
Change preposition
of

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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in
Change preposition
of
show examples
life. Because of
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

situation, they have no choice but to work more which will take away their resting time.
For example
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, since Vietnamese
parents
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

have unconditional love toward their
chidren
Correct your spelling
children

If you don’t want chidren to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

, they tend to work long hours to raise their budget
but
Correct word choice
apply

It seems that conjunction use may be incorrect here.

show examples
resulting in stress.
Secondly
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, the extension of the gap between the youngsters and the adults in
family
Add an article
the family

The noun phrase family seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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must
also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

be considered. To be more specific,
these kind
Change the determiner
this kind
these kinds

It appears that the plural demonstrative these is modifying the singular noun kind. Consider using a singular demonstrative or a plural noun instead.

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of advertisements can
spoiled
Wrong verb form
spoil

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb spoiled. Consider changing it.

show examples
children
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

, forcing them to have their
parents
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

purchasing
Wrong verb form
purchase

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb purchasing. Consider changing it.

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the products.
However
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, if the
parents
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

do not fulfil their
children
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

's commands,
children
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

will perform not only misbehaviors but
also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

negative thinking toward their
parents
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

such
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

as screaming, shouting and
hate
Wrong verb form
hating

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb hate. Consider changing it.

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that
Correct pronoun usage
apply

It seems that there is a pronoun problem here.

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requires
parents
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

to solve these arguments.
For instance
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, American
parents
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

experienced significant pressure because they
have
Wrong verb form
had

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb have. Consider changing it.

show examples
to comfort their
children
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

regularly
as a result
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

of those persuading ads. In conclusion, the new ads can make
parents
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

suffer from anxiety in
term
Fix the agreement mistake
terms

It seems that term may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

show examples
of working long hours and dealing with conflicts among the young and the old.
Hence
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

,
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

essay has given clear points to demonstrate the author's agreement
toward
Change preposition
with

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

show examples
the statement of parent's unfairness created by stress from their
children
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

.

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Development of Examples
To enhance your score, consider expanding on your examples with more specific details. While the examples provided are relevant, adding depth could make your argument more compelling.
Accuracy of Language
Pay attention to minor grammatical errors and typos ("chidren" should be "children", "spoiled children" perhaps meant "spoil children"). Despite these, your overall meaning is clear, but refining these details would polish your essay further.
Language Use
Using varied sentence structures and more sophisticated vocabulary could enhance the complexity of your essay. While the language used is appropriate and generally clear, greater variety could demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency.
Structure
You've organized your essay well, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion that effectively restates your main argument, demonstrating good coherence and cohesion.
Task Response
You've clearly addressed the topic and provided a strong stance, backed by relevant examples, showing effective task response.
Paragraph Organization
Your paragraphs are well-organized, each starting with a clear topic sentence followed by explanations and examples, which aids in presenting coherent ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Pervasive
  • Exploit
  • Impressionable
  • Consumerist attitude
  • Materialistic values
  • Unrealistic expectations
  • Financial strain
  • Culture of indulgence
  • Mitigating
  • Stricter controls
  • Proactive role
  • Educating about consumerism
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