IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In some countries, there has been an increase in the number of advertisements that try to persuade children to buy snacks, toys, and other goods. Some people claim this is unfair as parents feel under pressure to buy these kinds of things for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Many people say that it is not fair for
parents
Use synonyms
worlwide
Correct your spelling
worldwide
 to deal with
such
Linking Words
 a huge amount of stress caused by their
children
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due to
Linking Words
 the rise of ads encouraging
children
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 to buy their products. I strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
 because of
parent's
Correct article usage
the parent's
show examples
 longer working hours and the strain between family members.
Firstly
Linking Words
, many
parents
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 have to work overtime in order to improve
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 income. It is obvious that every
Use synonyms
parents
Change to a singular noun
parent
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want
Correct subject-verb agreement
wants
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 the best to happen to their
children
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 so
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
they always prepare to pay for whatever their
children
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 need.
However
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, if only
Wrong verb form
relying
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rely
Wrong verb form
relying
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 on the normal wage,
parents
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 will not be able to afford different aspects
Change preposition
of
show examples
in
Change preposition
of
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 life. Because of
this
Linking Words
 situation, they have no choice but to work more which will take away their resting time.
For example
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, since Vietnamese
parents
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 have unconditional love toward their
chidren
Correct your spelling
children
, they tend to work long hours to raise their budget
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
resulting in stress.
Secondly
Linking Words
, the extension of the gap between the youngsters and the adults in
family
Add an article
the family
show examples
 must
also
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 be considered. To be more specific,
these kind
Change the determiner
this kind
these kinds
show examples
 of advertisements can
spoiled
Wrong verb form
spoil
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children
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, forcing them to have their
parents
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purchasing
Wrong verb form
purchase
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 the products.
However
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, if the
parents
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 do not fulfil their
children
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's commands,
children
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 will perform not only misbehaviors but
also
Linking Words
 negative thinking toward their
parents
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such
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 as screaming, shouting and
hate
Wrong verb form
hating
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
requires
parents
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 to solve these arguments.
For instance
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, American
parents
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 experienced significant pressure because they
have
Wrong verb form
had
show examples
 to comfort their
children
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 regularly
as a result
Linking Words
 of those persuading ads. In conclusion, the new ads can make
parents
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 suffer from anxiety in
term
Fix the agreement mistake
terms
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 of working long hours and dealing with conflicts among the young and the old.
Hence
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 essay has given clear points to demonstrate the author's agreement
toward
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the statement of parent's unfairness created by stress from their
children
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.

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Development of Examples
To enhance your score, consider expanding on your examples with more specific details. While the examples provided are relevant, adding depth could make your argument more compelling.
Accuracy of Language
Pay attention to minor grammatical errors and typos ("chidren" should be "children", "spoiled children" perhaps meant "spoil children"). Despite these, your overall meaning is clear, but refining these details would polish your essay further.
Language Use
Using varied sentence structures and more sophisticated vocabulary could enhance the complexity of your essay. While the language used is appropriate and generally clear, greater variety could demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency.
Structure
You've organized your essay well, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion that effectively restates your main argument, demonstrating good coherence and cohesion.
Task Response
You've clearly addressed the topic and provided a strong stance, backed by relevant examples, showing effective task response.
Paragraph Organization
Your paragraphs are well-organized, each starting with a clear topic sentence followed by explanations and examples, which aids in presenting coherent ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Pervasive
  • Exploit
  • Impressionable
  • Consumerist attitude
  • Materialistic values
  • Unrealistic expectations
  • Financial strain
  • Culture of indulgence
  • Mitigating
  • Stricter controls
  • Proactive role
  • Educating about consumerism
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