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Band 5.5

Women can do everything that men can and they even do it better. They also can do many things that men cannot. But it is a fact that their work is not appreciated as much as men’s, although they have to sacrifice a lot for their family and career. It is said: “A woman’s place is in the home.” What do you think?

#women #men #fact #work #men’s #sacrifice #career #“a #woman’s #place #home
It is a well-established fact that
women
 are
capaple
Correct your spelling
capable
 of doing
everthying
Correct your spelling
everything
 that men do and
also
, they sacrifice
alot
Correct your spelling
a lot
 for the well-being of their family, or for growth in their
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
.
However
, even in
this
 case, some people state that a woman’s place is in the home. I completely disagree with
this
 idea. There are two principal reasons for
this
. One point
which
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 I believe to be absolutely pivotal is the fact that females are capable of
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
doing the same kinds of jobs that men do. As an example, there have been a lot of
women
 that managed to prove
this
 point throughout
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
history.
As a result
, right now gender equality is way more
wide-spread
Correct your spelling
widespread
show examples
,
moreover
,
less
Correct quantifier usage
fewer
show examples
 and
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
 people agree with the idea that
women
 should not make a
career
. Adding
further
 credibility to the statement brings to
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 idea
of
Change preposition
that
show examples
 the majority of
women
 like all people like being independent.
And pursuing
Correct word choice
Pursuing
show examples
 a
career
 can give them the independence that they want, and they would be able to make essential decisions by themselves without anyone’s interference. Turning to the other side of the argument it is possible that
while
 pursuing a
career
women
 can have less time for themselves and their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
. What I mean by
this
 is that there is a huge probability that they will be too busy with their job and
career
 growth, and
this
 will lead to the fact that they will not be able to spend
anytime
Replace the word
any time
show examples
 with their family and loved ones. In conclusion, by taking into account all the above-mentioned reasons, I once again reaffirm my position that everyone should have a choice of pursuing a
career
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 if they want to.
Submitted by Ayan on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Continue to use clear and logical structure in your essays to maintain the flow of argument. This approach greatly aids in reader understanding.
Coherence and Cohesion
Integrate more varied and complex sentence structures to enhance the fluency of your writing and demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency.
Task Achievement
To further strengthen your essay, incorporate a wider range of vocabulary that precisely conveys your ideas. This will also showcase your linguistic range.
Task Achievement
Although you provided examples, try to use more specific and detailed instances to support your arguments. This will make your points more convincing and grounded in real-world contexts.
Introduction/Conclusion
Effective introduction and conclusion, providing a clear stance on the topic.
Logical Structure
Good use of paragraphs to organize arguments and ideas logically.
Complete Response
Successful in presenting a complete response to the question with relevant examples and arguments.
Clear and Comprehensive Ideas
Ability to communicate clear and comprehensive ideas throughout the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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