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Band 7

TODAY, THERE IS MORE AND MORE COMPETITION FOR GETTIND INTO UNIVERSITY. iS THIS A POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE DEVELOPMENT.

#competition #gettind #university #development
Nowadays, challenges for getting into university are rising day by day.
Although
 by the way like
this
students
 will both try harder and be more educated, it can damage
students
' mental health.
To begin
 with, there are positive sides to having
competition
.
Students
 will have hard work
as well as
 visiting extra courses. Their main aim will be not only applied there but
also
 to be more educated than their peers.
For INSTANCE
, each year five thousand individuals try to enter Harvard. Because of
competition
 for the small amount of plays, the university has made special courses for applicants.
Thus
,if there are challenges
students
 might both try harder and have stimulation to be better than the others.
On the other hand
, there are disadvantages of having
competition
.
Due to
 both hard study and thinking about entering, people might be able to have mental disorders. They will not have a balance between education and life or social life.
In other words
, they will think only about the
competition
 and others' success in entering.
For example
,
according to
 the statistics each year more than 40 percent of
students
 suffer from mental disorders
such
 as depression or OCD. From the point of doctors' view, the main reason is stress beyond entering exams.
Therefore
,
competition
 can lead individuals to have serious mental damage. In conclusion, I consider that it is not advisable to have oppositions to get into academics. If there are higher scores in exams, it will not only motivate but
also
 avoid the nervous system.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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task achievement
While the essay addresses the task with a clear argument, there are areas that could be expanded upon or clarified further. Try providing more specific examples and detailed explanations for each point made. This will help strengthen your argument and make it more convincing.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a logical progression with a distinguishable introduction and conclusion. However, the flow between some paragraphs can be enhanced. Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next and that all ideas are clearly connected.
coherence cohesion
Check for grammatical errors and awkward phrasing to improve readability. Avoid minor inaccuracies and ambiguities. This will make your writing more polished and ensure it is easy for the reader to follow.
task achievement
The essay makes a clear effort to address both the positive and negative aspects of the topic, which demonstrates a balanced discussion.
coherence cohesion
An introduction and conclusion are present, which helps to frame your argument and provides a cohesive structure.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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