IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 1.5

Some people believe that it is a good idea that older people continue to work if it is possible for them to do. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #idea #work
Nowadays, older people can have several positive aspects. To be specific, elderly people sometimes have a possibility of internal diseases so they want to find a
light-workload
Correct your spelling
light workload
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 to balance their lifestyle
such
 as positive energy,
maintain
Correct word choice
and maintain
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 their health. By staying engaged in the workforce, they can maintain
a
Correct article usage
apply
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social interaction which
are
Change the verb form
is
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 important for their
overall
 well-being.
For example
, at the age of 60, a woman who
work
Correct subject-verb agreement
works
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 and
live
Correct subject-verb agreement
lives
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 in California, US. She is a doctor who
take
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takes
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 care
for
Change preposition
of
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 poor children and has no fees.
This
 is a meaningful act and she
want
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wants
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 to promote her work and convey a message
with
Change preposition
to
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public
Add an article
the public
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 around her.
Therefore
, it is true that older people still have
ability
Change the article
the ability
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 to balance their work and health
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
.
Submitted by chauhongngoc.577 on

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Introduction
Try to start your essay with a clear introduction that presents your viewpoint. This will set the stage for the reader to understand your position on the topic.
Supporting Example
Your example of the doctor is good, but remember to connect your examples more clearly to the main argument to make your point stronger.
Logical Structure
Work on developing a more structured format with clear paragraphs for introduction, body, and conclusion to enhance readability and coherence.
Completeness
Consider expanding your argument to include both sides of the topic. This will help in demonstrating a more complete understanding and achieving a higher score in task response.
Example
You provided a meaningful example to support your viewpoint, which helps in illustrating your argument.
Tone
You maintained a positive tone throughout the essay, which is good for engaging the reader.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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