IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

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Children tend to use mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 all day long in their free time. I believe it is because of technological change, and not only kids but
also
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 adults have
this
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 problem.
However
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, a smartphone is one of the greatest inventions of the 21st century. Mobile
phones
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 are very useful and they can assist you sometimes. In the following paragraphs, I will elaborate on
this
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 topic, and discuss the pros and cons of it.
To begin
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 with, more and more businessmen are putting money into developing applications.
Thus
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, we could have more fun by using our
phones
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. Technologies are progressing, and
a
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apply
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plenty of things are connected to the Internet.
As a result
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, basic electronic devices
such
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 as cell
phones
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, computers, tablets, and so on are vital in our lives. People spend more and more time on them. We rely on them a lot because many things can be solved by using them.
For example
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, we can buy stocks through our mobile
phones
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instead
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 of going to a bank.
A plenty
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 of applications are useful, and you can download them from App Store or Google Play. Sometimes cell
phones
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 are indeed very helpful, but sometimes it is really harmful.
For instance
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, if children use their
phones
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 as tools for learning stuff,
that is
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 good. But, if they play games
twenty-four seven
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, that might be bad for their lives. It depends on what you do on your phone. In a nutshell, nowadays, our relationship with smartphones is indivisible. You can buy tickets, surf the Internet, watch videos, and so forth on it. Smartphones are multi-functional, and they make our lives better. The most important thing is your intention. If you use it in the wrong ways, that will have consequences.

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language usage
Try to diversify your language by using synonyms and different sentence structures to avoid repetition.
task response
Make sure to directly address the question's tasks by clearly stating if you believe the prevalence of smartphone usage among children is a positive or negative development.
content depth
Including specific examples or studies could strengthen your argument, especially when discussing the impacts of smartphone usage on children.
structure
Consider organizing your essay into clearer paragraphs with distinct topics for each to enhance readability and cohesion.
balanced argument
You did a good job providing a balanced view by discussing both pros and cons of smartphone usage.
introduction/conclusion
Your essay's introduction and conclusion are clear and set the stage for your discussion effectively.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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