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Band 6

Some people think that the teenage years are the happiest time of most people’s lives. Others think that adult life brings more happiness, in spite of greater responsibility. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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It is believed by some that adolescent
years
 are the happiest period of most people’s lives,
while
 others believe that adulthood brings more content, despite having more responsibilities.
Although
 teenagers obtain new
experiences
 in their teenage
years
, I believe that
adults
 can enjoy
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the things they have accomplished. On the one hand,
experiences
 that adolescents gain before
their
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 reach adulthood make them happy.
This
 is because many teenagers get more freedom to do the things that they like without being controlled by their parents. A sense of freedom gives them
opportunity
Add an article
the opportunity
an opportunity
show examples
 to socialise with their contemporaries and many of them fall in love for the first time. These are unprecedented
experiences
 that
makes
Change the verb form
make
show examples
 them feel very happy.
For example
, many dwellers of Sarajevo have said that
teenage
Correct pronoun usage
their teenage
show examples
years
 were the happiest
years
 of their lives.
However
, I think that adolescents do not know what
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
real happiness is at
such
 a young age.
On the other hand
,
adults
 can appreciate the things they have achieved.
This
 is to say that many
adults
 set goals when they were younger,
such
 as having prosperous careers, because they knew achieving their goals would make them content. They worked hard to get closer to their goals, and when they
finally
 achieved their targets, they felt contentment.
For instance
, many Bosnians dreamed about owning a property, and after purchasing housing they were ecstatic.
Therefore
, I believe that
adults
 can value happiness at a greater level. In conclusion,
although
 pre-adulthood brings new
experiences
, I believe that
adults
 enjoy the perks of their hard work.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear response to the task and successfully discusses both views, as well as providing your opinion. However, expanding on your ideas and including more specific examples could enhance the strength of your arguments.
coherence cohesion
While your essay has a logical structure with clear paragraphs, some of the transitions between ideas could be smoother. Consider using a wider range of cohesive devices.
coherence cohesion
You have effectively provided an introduction and conclusion, framing the essay well.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are well-supported, and you include relevant examples to back them up, which enhances the clarity of your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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