IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Nowadays, children watch a lot of TV and play video games. However, some think that these activities are not beneficial for a child’s mental health

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In modern society, it is much easier for
children
Use synonyms
 to
get
Verb problem
watch
show examples
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 and spend more
time
Use synonyms
 on
TV
Use synonyms
 than before.
Besides
Linking Words
, parents are busy finishing and handling their work.
As a result
Linking Words
, they do not have enough
time
Use synonyms
 to accompany their
children
Use synonyms
. And parents will use
TV
Use synonyms
 and
games
Use synonyms
 to accompany their
children
Use synonyms
.
Thus
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 waste a lot of
time
Use synonyms
 on
this
Linking Words
 electronic entertainment. Is it a negative effect on
children
Use synonyms
's mental
abilities
Use synonyms
? To me, I agree with
this
Linking Words
 point. I think watching
TV
Use synonyms
 and playing
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 are negative on
children
Use synonyms
's mental
abilities
Use synonyms
. First of all, watching
TV
Use synonyms
 and playing
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 cause
children
Use synonyms
 to reduce
thinking
Correct pronoun usage
their thinking
show examples
.
TV
Use synonyms
 programs and
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 provide numerous images and sounds.
Children
Use synonyms
 do not have the opportunity to imagine and create their thinking. They lose the opportunity to think and grow up. It will affect
children
Use synonyms
's mental
abilities
Use synonyms
.
By contrast
Linking Words
, activities like reading or drawing develop many areas of the brain and help
children
Use synonyms
 to think and imagine. In the second place,
children
Use synonyms
 will decrease interaction with other people because of spending much
time
Use synonyms
 watching
TV
Use synonyms
 and playing
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
. When
children
Use synonyms
 spend a lot of
time
Use synonyms
 watching
TV
Use synonyms
 and playing
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 all day, they will not have
time
Use synonyms
 and the opportunity to play outdoors with other people. Physical activity
also
Linking Words
 helps with brain development.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 should be discouraged from watching
TV
Use synonyms
 and playing
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
.
To conclude
Linking Words
, our bodies and minds need to move and think. If we stop them moving, our bodies and minds will get worse.
Therefore
Linking Words
, we should help
children
Use synonyms
's mental
abilities
Use synonyms
 through reading and drawing
instead
Linking Words
 of spending too much
time
Use synonyms
 watching
TV
Use synonyms
 and playing
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Detail Enrichment
Try to include more specific examples or detailed analysis to better support your points and illustrate the impact on children's mental abilities.
Balance and Elaboration
Consider elaborating on alternatives to screen time that can benefit children's mental health, providing a more balanced view of your argument.
Tone Adjustment
Maintain a more formal tone by avoiding personal pronouns such as 'I' or 'we' to keep your writing appropriately academic.
Transitional Phrasing
To enhance coherence and cohesion, aim for smoother transitions between paragraphs and points. Phrases like 'First of all,' 'In the second place,' and 'To conclude,' can be varied for a more engaging read.
Structure
Your clear structure, with a distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, effectively guides the reader through your argument.
Task Engagement
You've tackled the task head-on, presenting clear arguments against the excessive use of TV and computer games by children
Argument Development
The essay makes some effective points on the potential negatives of excessive screen time on children's brain development and social skills.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • cognitive development
  • exposure to violence
  • addiction
  • reduced physical activity
  • hand-eye coordination
  • strategic thinking
  • multitasking skills
  • moderation
  • parental guidance
  • balanced approach
  • screen time
  • social interaction
  • sense of community
  • social skills
  • social isolation
  • alternative activities
  • outdoor activities
  • family interaction
  • mental health issues
  • educational programs
  • problem-solving games
What to do next:
Look at other essays: