IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

some people say that parents should encourage their children to take parts in organized group activities in their free time, others say that it's important for them to learn how occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both the views and give your opinion

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While
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 people say that we as parents should guide our children to engage in any of the societal activity in their leisure
time
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,
however
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 some force the
kids
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 to be involved in a work activity which might be helpful for them as well. Let us see which actually has positive and negative sides of the above. First of all, these days
kids
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 get involved in gadgets
such
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 as laptops,and mobiles and spend their valuable
time
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 without doing anything.
Instead
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 of wasting
time
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,to refresh themselves from the school activities and studies they can mingle with the community clubs in their corresponding places and help many people or get themselves busy with any volunteering activities.
For example
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,
kids
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 who are interested in sports can include themselves in a sports community and help other
kids
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 to play and learn a particular game.
Secondly
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,some
kids
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 naturally have a habit of books reading,gardening,and art
skills
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 which have a positive impact on their lifestyle.
Instead
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 of walking out to engage themselves,they can either add in any online groups who have the same mindset and
also
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 fix a milestone for their
skills
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 or simply enrol themselves in a course to get the benefit.They can share among each other on online platforms expressing their talents,
in addition
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, they can
also
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 earn some money if they teach their
skills
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 to whoever is interested. We get so many advantages when a person is linked to
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society he/she may get several opportunities in the future as they will be noticed by others.
This
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 helps them gain more leadership
skills
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,a good team-building ability,courage to face others,helping tendency when they are posed in an environment where people will have a clear idea to overcome the barriers in the growing future.
Hence
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to conclude
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,
according to
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 my opinion, it would be
win-win
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a win-win
the win-win
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 condition for those who let the children participate in organized group activities in their free
time
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.

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Task Achievement
You've effectively discussed both views and given your opinion, which is commendable. However, enhancing the clarity of your argument by refining the introduction and conclusion could strengthen your position further.
Task Achievement
Explore expanding on how individual activities could also foster growth and independence, to present a more balanced view before concluding with your opinion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay showcases good structure and flow. Nonetheless, working on smoother transitions between paragraphs and incorporating a wider range of cohesive devices could enhance readability and coherence.
Coherence and Cohesion
Be mindful of sentence structure variety and reducing repetitions to make your argument more compelling.
Task Achievement
Successfully discussed both perspectives on children’s activities, offering specific examples to support viewpoints.
Coherence and Cohesion
Maintained a logical structure throughout, aiding in the overall coherence of your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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