IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Despite a large number of gyms, a sedentary lifestyle is gaining popularity in the contemporary world. What problems are associated with this? What solutions can you suggest?

#gyms #lifestyle #popularity #world
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In spite of a lot of gyms ,
people
 do not do
exercise
 .
As a result
 ,
people
 will not be fit and will not have a healthy lifestyle, but
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 can do many things to let them
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
exercise
for
Add the comma(s)
, for
show examples
 example , reduce
cost
Add an article
the cost
show examples
 of the
gym
 and teaching sports at school. The main problem faced by
people
do
Correct pronoun usage
who do
show examples
 not like to go to the
gym
 because there are many things
make
Correct pronoun usage
that make
show examples
 them prefer sitting more than
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
exercise
such
 as cost and motivation . there are many
activity
Replace the word
active
show examples
 sports everywhere ,but
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
few
people
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
exercise
 ,
also
 many
people
 eat fast food .
Therefor
Correct your spelling
Therefore
show examples
, many
people
 become fit . When
people
 get 50 years old ,they can not run for 2 minutes because they did not go to the
gym
 when they were younger .
In addition
 ,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 need to build a lot of hospitals for unhealthy
people
 . Two effective
solution
Change to a plural noun
solutions
show examples
 to cope with
people
 do not go to the
gym
 for doing
exercise
 .
Firstly
 ,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 have to reduce
cost
Correct article usage
the cost
show examples
 all the
gym
 to make
people
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
motivated to join
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
gym
 .
For example
 , if the
subscribe
Replace the word
subscription
show examples
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the
gym
 for 1
months
Change to a singular noun
month
show examples
 is 200 MRE ,they can offer
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
subscribe
Replace the word
subscription
show examples
 for 6 months
800
Change preposition
at 800
show examples
 MRE ,so
people
 have
400
Correct article usage
a 400
show examples
 MRE discount but they will do
exercise
 for
long
Change the article
a long
show examples
 time .
secondly
, teaching
Add an article
the student
a student
show examples
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 about
doing
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
exercise
 is very important .
Thus
,
people
 have to encourage their own
government
 to
put
Verb problem
pay
show examples
 subject
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the importance of sports. In conclusion ,
people
 can not change their
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
 to do
exercise
 if authority
do
Change the verb form
does
show examples
 not give them a perfect solution.
Submitted by s_syedy on

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Structure
Try to ensure that your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each part should serve its purpose: introduce the topic, explain your points, and conclude your argument effectively.
Linking
Use a range of linking words to connect your ideas better and make your text flow more naturally. Avoid repetition of phrases and aim for variety in your expressions.
Development
Work on developing your ideas more thoroughly with relevant examples and explanations. Each paragraph should clearly convey a main idea and support it with specifics.
Grammar and Punctuation
Pay attention to your grammar and punctuation to avoid confusion. Minor errors can detract from the overall quality of your writing.
Task Response
You have successfully addressed both parts of the prompt in your response, acknowledging the problems and suggesting solutions related to a sedentary lifestyle.
Communication
Your essay communicates your argument across, despite some coherence issues. You've made an effort to explain why people might lead a sedentary lifestyle and proposed governmental actions to counteract it.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • physical inactivity
  • health problems
  • weight gain
  • obesity
  • energy levels
  • chronic illnesses
  • mental health
  • productivity
  • focus
  • social isolation
  • exercise
  • physical fitness
  • active lifestyle
  • health benefits
  • physical health
  • mental well-being
  • leisure activities
  • regular physical activity
  • physical exercise
  • cardiovascular health
  • strength training
  • flexibility
  • endurance
What to do next:
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