IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

some people belive that there should be fixed punishments for each type of crime. otheres, however, argue that the circumstances of an indivudual crime and the motivation for committing it, should always be taken into account when diciding on the bunishment. discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #belive #punishments #type #crime #otheres #circumstances #motivation #account #bunishment
A
group
 of people reckon that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
there must be some stable punishments for each lawbreaking,
while
,on the other side some believe that the situation and the level of
committment
Correct your spelling
commitment
 should be considered as well .
Although
 each
group
 may have their own perspective , I personally agree with the latter.
This
 essay will discuss the views in detail. To commence with the first
group
 ,
although
 some may prefer fixed punishments ,
this
 cannot be efficient in all crimes ,
as
Change preposition
for
show examples
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
example , a person who is a murderer and the other one who is a thief should not
be punish
Change the verb form
be punished
show examples
 in a similar way ,because not only the murderer could continue his job but
also
can make
Verb problem
commit
show examples
 more disastrous crimes.To make it crystal clear,
a recent news
Remove the article
recent news
a piece of recent news
show examples
 from an intelligence agency reported that the highest crime rate was among murderers who try to work in a protective way and punished as same as other
prisonors
Correct your spelling
prisoners
. On the other side,the
group
 who believe that other
criterias
Correct your spelling
criteria
 should be considered ,not only
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
more intellectual but
also
 more effective,to cite an example ,
according to
 a recent reporter the lowest
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of crimes belonged to the countries
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
which considered many metrics in their punishments.
To sum up
,
although
 there are various
perspective
Fix the agreement mistake
perspectives
show examples
 on
this
 phenomenon,in
this
writers
Change noun form
writer's
show examples
 view the most helpful and protective way is to give consideration to many standards to have a more secure community.
Submitted by Elisa  on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence & Cohesion
To enhance coherence, consider linking your ideas more smoothly between paragraphs. This can be achieved by using a wider variety of transition words and phrases.
Task Achievement
For a stronger task response, try to deepen your discussion with more elaborate examples and a more thorough exploration of both viewpoints before concluding with your own stance.
Task Achievement
Your introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, presenting both viewpoints and your personal stance in a clear manner.
Coherence & Cohesion
You provided a logical structure, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs discussing each view, and a conclusion summarizing your opinion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • fixed punishments
  • consistency
  • fairness
  • legal system
  • deterrence
  • efficiency
  • one-size-fits-all approach
  • severity
  • motivation
  • necessity
  • coercion
  • momentary lapse in judgment
  • rehabilitative
  • punitive
  • recidivism
  • equitable
  • nuanced approach
  • tailoring
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!