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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Is it good for children to start using computers from an early age and spend long hours on them? Discuss the advantages and disadvantages.

#children #computers #age #hours
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Today
children
Use synonyms
 spend a lot of
time
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for
Change preposition
on
show examples
Use synonyms
computer
Correct article usage
the computer
show examples
 working like studying, playing and so on.
Although
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 some child psychologists undoubtedly believe
that is
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 beneficial,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
others say that it might be devastating.
While
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this
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 offers a few advantages, there are
also
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 some disadvantages worth considering.
To begin
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 with, various drawbacks may be noted. In the first place,
children
Use synonyms
 working with
Use synonyms
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 conveniently get distracted why because
Use synonyms
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 are packed with many games
need
Correct pronoun usage
that need
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 low concentration to play.
As a result
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, when they have to focus on a vital problem feel weak.
In addition
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, they waste
time
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 when they work or play with
Use synonyms
computer
Add an article
a computer
the computer
show examples
 without any obvious goal.
Therefore
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, parents should set a
time
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 limit for
computer
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working
Replace the word
work
show examples
.
On the other hand
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, one of the principal benefits of working with
Use synonyms
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 is that will stand a better chance
to find
Change preposition
of finding
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 a good job.
For instance
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,
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according to
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apply
show examples
a survey
on
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of
show examples
children
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Correct pronoun usage
who spent
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spent
Wrong verb form
spend
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 long hours with
Use synonyms
Add an article
a computer
the computer
show examples
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 in
middle
Correct article usage
the middle
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 and late
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
childhood years shows that these
children
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 find
more
Correct pronoun usage
it more
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 convenient than others.
Furthermore
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, these
children
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 dramatically can receive
to
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apply
show examples
a solution, if they play challenging games. For that reason, some
computer
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 games can improve the mind to solve a problem.
Consequently
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, working with
Use synonyms
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 can be beneficial to find a career and
also
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 to solve a problem.
However
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, it
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
might not be suitable for concentration.
Moreover
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,
children
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 might miss their golden
time
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 of day.
Personally
Add a comma
Personally,
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 I believe if parents set a
time
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 limit and control
children
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’s activities regarding
Use synonyms
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
, the benefits outweigh the drawbacks.
Submitted by hs.abdolhay70 on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, showing a logical progression of ideas. However, it would benefit from more precise linking between those ideas and paragraphs to enhance readability.
Coherence & Cohesion
Try to diversify your transitions and linking phrases to avoid repetition and create a more sophisticated flow between sentences and paragraphs.
Task Achievement
Your response to the task is somewhat complete but lacks depth in examples and exploration of the topic. Consider expanding on your points with more detailed illustrations and a broader range of arguments.
Task Achievement
Incorporate more specific examples and evidence to support your advantages and disadvantages. This will make your arguments stronger and more convincing to the reader.
Structure
Effective introduction and conclusion that outline your argument well.
Content
Good attempt at discussing both sides of the argument, providing a balanced view.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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