IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In most countries fast food is becoming cheaper and more available Do you think the advantage of this development outweigh the disadvantage?

#countries #food #advantage #development
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In modern human
society
, we are witnessing a prominent phenomenon that indicates
people
’s lifespans have been increasing over the years in numerous nations.
While
 some
people
 argue that an ageing
population
 could potentially become a problematic social issue for the government, others assert that there are undoubtedly several perks that we cannot overlook.
Therefore
, from my point of view, the benefits of having an ageing
population
 clearly outweigh the drawbacks which will be
further
 explained in
this
 essay. It has been shown that the higher
proportion
Correct article usage
the proportion
show examples
 of older
people
 in
society
, the more liability the government ought to bear on healthcare and social welfare. When
people
 get older, they tend to require more medical services and attention.
Thus
, it is not ideal for a
society
 to develop its economy
while
 its government has to spend a tremendous amount of funds and resources to attend to the elders.
For instance
, Hong Kong is expected to have a whopping 40.6% of elderly citizens by the year 2050, followed by South Korea at 39.4% and
Japan
 at 37.5.
This
unfavorable
Change the spelling
unfavourable
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 outcome will clearly strain the government’s budget on specialized medical care and long-term support
while
also
 stagnating the economy.
However
, despite a few drawbacks that have been thoroughly demonstrated, one cannot deny other undeniable facts about having a significant number of elders in our
society
.
Firstly
, senior citizens often possess a vast amount of wisdom, knowledge, and social experience which can be passed down to the younger generation.
This
 would be extremely essential to develop
society
 in general and the youth in specific.
For example
, consider the case of
Mr.
Change the punctuation
Mr
show examples
 Hy, a retired teacher,
uses
Correct pronoun usage
who uses
show examples
 his vast knowledge and life experience to tutor children in his
neighborhood
Change the spelling
neighbourhood
show examples
 for free. His lessons extend beyond academics to include life lessons and historical accounts from his personal experiences.
This
 interaction not only enhances the children’s academic knowledge but
also
 shapes their character and understanding of the world, demonstrating how the wisdom of seniors can contribute to societal growth.
Secondly
. A
society
 with a higher proportion of ageing
people
 is
also
 able to preserve the value of respect, well-behaved manner, and
honor
Change the spelling
honour
show examples
 which foster a better young generation for years to come.
For example
, in
Japan
,
people
 have long been raised and taught to be respectful toward their elders
such
 as grandparents, parents, and their superiors. With thousands of years of culture,
this
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 has permeated every Japanese throughout all of
Japan
 now known to the rest of the world that
Japan
 is full of respectful
people
 and an
honorable
Change the spelling
honourable
show examples
 country. All in all,
While
 an
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
population
 might pose healthcare and social welfare difficulties for governments, the benefits it offers to
society
 are significantly greater.
Therefore
, welcoming and aiding an
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
population
 could result in a more balanced, affluent, and enlightened community
Submitted by jakelong16091994 on

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task response
Ensure the essay stays focused on the given topic this essay drifts from the prompt about fast food becoming cheaper and more available to discussing the benefits and drawbacks of an ageing population.
coherence and cohesion
Consider using a wider variety of linking words and cohesive devices to further enhance the essay's flow and reader's understanding.
task response
To further improve, try to directly address the essay prompt in the introduction and ensure the conclusion succinctly summarises your arguments, directly relating them back to the prompt.
logical structure
The essay demonstrates a strong structure, with a clear introduction, development of ideas, and a conclusion.
supported main points
You've provided relevant examples to support your main points, enriching the essay's content and arguments.
clear comprehensive ideas
Your essay thoroughly explores the topic, providing a balanced view between benefits and drawbacks.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • accessibility
  • affordability
  • culinary diversity
  • entry-level positions
  • food deserts
  • health concerns
  • economic benefits
  • environmental impact
  • cultural dilution
  • global accessibility
  • convenience
  • homogenization
  • waste production
  • deforestation
  • agricultural needs
  • obesity
  • diabetes
  • heart disease
What to do next:
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