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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The way that people work today has changed significantly due to the development of technology. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of these changes.

#people #work #development #technology #changes
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Some
people
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 argue that the
changes
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 in the development of
technology
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 in the workplace have brought many disadvantages.
However
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, I firmly believe these
changes
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 seem more advantageous because they make workers able to do their jobs without a limit of distance. On the one hand,
people
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couldn’t
Wrong verb form
can’t
show examples
 make a correct line between
work
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 and life because of
technology
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. Specifically, messengers
such
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 as WhatsApp and Kakaotalk are used to talk with friends, co-workers, and family at the same time. They enable
people
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 to communicate 24/7 and it happens relating to their jobs even if they already left their workplace.
For example
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, Kakotalk is a famous messenger In Korea, but, since it has become popular at the companies, many employees have complained that their senior or colleagues keep contacting them after finishing
work
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 time. It is
sure
Correct word choice
certain
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 that
this
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 phenomenon has blurred the line between official and private life.
Nevertheless
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, there are many advantages of the
work
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 environment from the
changes
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 in
technology
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. One of them is that
people
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 can
work
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 regardless of where they are. To be specific, if they can’t move because of injury, private reasons, or pandemics, they can choose to
work
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 at home or in different places except for their company, where they share enough information about their duty
by
Change preposition
through
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 online data or online meetings.
For instance
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,
while
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 COVID thrived all over the world, my colleagues and I worked at each home
as well as
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 shared files through online meetings, with no worries of being contagious.
To sum up
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,
while
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people
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’s
work
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 has negative
changes
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due to
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 the development of
technology
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, it is undeniable that the positive aspects far outweigh the drawbacks.
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task achievement
Your essay effectively outlines the advantages and disadvantages of technological advancements in the workplace, presenting a clear stance. To improve, consider elaborating further on each point with more detailed examples and exploring a broader range of impacts.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay's structure is clear, with well-defined paragraphs for each main point. Enhancing transitions between paragraphs could provide smoother progression of ideas.
task achievement
Effective use of specific examples, like the mention of KakaoTalk in Korea, which adds relevance and depth to your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Clear introduction and conclusion that effectively frame your argument and reinforce your stance on the subject.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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