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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people assert that it is good for college students to have part-time jobs. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

People have different views on
college
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students
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 having part-time
jobs
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. Some argue that university
students
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 should focus solely on their
studies
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,
while
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 others believe that taking on part-time
work
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 can provide valuable
experience
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 before transitioning to full-time
jobs
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. I tend to agree with the latter view, as gaining
experience
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 is crucial for making informed decisions about future career choices. On one hand, there are valid reasons to support the idea that working part-time
jobs
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 may detract from one's education.
For example
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,
students
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 should ideally focus on their
studies
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 during
college
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 and consider working only after graduation. Engaging in part-time
work
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 can drain physical energy, making it challenging to stay focused on academic pursuits.
For instance
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,
students
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 working in hospitality roles may
experience
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 fatigue and mental stress, which could hinder their ability to concentrate on their
studies
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.
Therefore
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, it is essential for
college
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students
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 to prioritize learning and prepare for securing suitable employment opportunities post-graduation.
On the other hand
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, proponents argue that
college
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students
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 can benefit from gaining
work
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experience
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 in different settings before entering the workforce full-time. In today's job market, companies often seek individuals with
a
Correct article usage
apply
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diverse skill
set
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sets
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. Working part-time
jobs
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 equips young people with valuable
skills
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such
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 as social
skills
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, time management, and financial budgeting —
skills
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 that are not typically taught in
college
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. Research has shown that
students
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 who worked part-time
jobs
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while
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 in
college
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 are more likely to secure permanent employment compared to those without
such
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 experiences.
Additionally
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, earning their own money enables
college
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students
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 to cover their expenses independently, including rent, tuition fees, and living costs.
Therefore
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, part-time
jobs
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 provide an invaluable opportunity for
students
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 to gain practical
experience
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 and prepare for their future careers. In conclusion, the question of whether
college
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students
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 should
work
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 part-time
jobs
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 is not straightforward. Despite the potential drawbacks of balancing
work
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 with
studies
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, I believe that part-time employment can offer
students
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 a range of valuable experiences and
skills
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 that will benefit them in the long run.

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coherence cohesion
To improve your essay's coherence, consider linking ideas more explicitly within paragraphs. This can be achieved by using transitional phrases that guide the reader through your argument more smoothly.
task achievement
To enhance task achievement, make sure to explore both sides of the argument evenly. While your essay presents a well-argued case for the benefits of part-time work, dedicating more space to discuss potential downsides in detail could strengthen your position.
coherence cohesion
You've done a great job of structuring your essay with a clear introduction and conclusion, making your position known from the outset.
task achievement
Your essay provides specific examples and reasoning to support your main points, which strengthens the persuasiveness of your argument.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • time management
  • practical experience
  • competitive edge
  • responsibility
  • financial independence
  • budgeting
  • academic performance
  • relevance
  • professional network
  • burnout
  • balance
  • accountability
  • maturity
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