IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In some countries, more a more people are hiring a personal fitness trainer, rather than playing sports or doing exercise classes. What are the reason for this? Is this a positive or a negative development?

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The essay should describe why
people
Use synonyms
 rather hire a personal fitness
trainer
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 than play
sports
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 or do
exercise
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classes
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.
Firstly
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,
finally
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, more and more
people
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 want to take care of their bodies.
However
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, they want more effective results in a short
time
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, they don´t have lots of free
time
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 for their personal activities and rather take a personal fitness
trainer
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, who takes care only of their body and offers private training with includes
for example
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 healthy diet what is
also
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 a
lot
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 important for their body and the
last
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 feedbacks. You can Before starting the training agree with your
trainer
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 about which results you want to get
for example
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 after 3 or 6 months.
Also
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, you have more opinions with the personal
trainer
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 than if you do only
exercise
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classes
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 and play
sports
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.
Secondly
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, each side
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 its positive and negative developments.
For example
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, the personal
trainer
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 can be more expensive for a
lot
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 of
people
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 so expensive than the
exercise
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classes
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,
however
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, the
trainer
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 should teach you how more effectively you can
exercise
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 each part of your body, which is a big benefit for you. And next, you can lose a
lot
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 of weight in a short
time
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 and you can agree the personal training if you have free
time
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 - with
this
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 you save a
lot
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 of
time
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 than you have to attend
sports
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/
exercise
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classes
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 only at a specific
time
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. For some
people
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 is so important to
exercise
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 without other
people
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 and have
time
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 for yourself, but for some
people
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,it is better to meet with 10 -15
people
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 during the
classes
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. In conclusion, it depends on what are your pluses and minuses and
then
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 you can choose what you want. In the
sports
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 world are a
lot
Use synonyms
 of opinions about what you can do.

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task response
Your essay has addressed the topic, explaining why people hire personal fitness trainers instead of playing sports or doing exercise classes. However, it would be beneficial to expand your introduction. Start with a general statement about the increasing trend of people focusing on personal fitness and then introduce the specific topic about personal trainers.
coherence and cohesion
Though your essay is structured, adding clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph would improve coherence. For example, the first paragraph could start with: 'One reason people hire personal trainers is the desire for personalized and efficient results.'
task response
Also, make sure to expand on and support your ideas more comprehensively. Adding specific examples, such as how personal trainers tailor diet plans or specific success stories, would enrich your writing.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each point is clearly linked to the next. Transition phrases and logical connectors can help guide the reader through your arguments. Consider using phrases like 'Furthermore,' 'In addition,' or 'On the other hand,' to enhance flow between ideas.
task response
Your essay provides a good overview of the reasons people hire personal trainers and balances the discussion of positive and negative aspects.
coherence and cohesion
The second paragraph does well to compare both sides of the argument, which enriches the discussion.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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