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Band 5.5

More and more people are leaving countryside to live in cities. Do more advantages or disadvantages of this development for environment

#people #countryside #cities #development #environment
In today's world, there is an increasing number of
people
 who decided to move out from their countryside to live in towns.
While
 it seems to be beneficial in terms of improving the quality of
people
's lives, it holds many challenges and obstacles.
This
 essay will discuss the pros and cons of
this
 phenomenon.
To begin
 with, deciding to move out and live in the towns or main
cities
 is life life-changing step. Living in a city can contribute to enhancing individuals' lives and opening the doors for more opportunities.
For example
,
people
 can guarantee well-rounded education and healthcare services.
Additionally
, they can find many work opportunities and well-paying jobs.
Thus
, transferring to
cities
 can ensure individuals with high-quality living.
However
,
on the other hand
, leaving
countryside
Correct article usage
the countryside
show examples
 or rural areas and settling in
cities
 can bring numerous negativities. including unhealthy lifestyles, environmental challenges , and high living costs.
For example
,
people
 who live in rural areas have fewer health problems compared to those who live in urban areas given their healthy and manufactured foods.
Moreover
, they are less likely to spend much money on life's demands
such
 as transportation, groceries, and more. In conclusion, the phenomenon of moving to urban
cities
 is incredibly increasing.
However
, it has its positive and negative sides.
While
people
 can ensure excellent work opportunities and well-rounded services, they may struggle with high living costs and health issues.
Submitted by marammajid1999 on

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task achievement
Your essay does a good job of addressing both advantages and disadvantages of moving from the countryside to cities. However, it can be improved by providing more concrete examples and data to support your points. For instance, you could mention specific studies or statistics that highlight the differences in healthcare or job opportunities between rural and urban areas.
task achievement
While your introduction and conclusion are clear and relevant, try to avoid repetition. For example, your conclusion restates the points made in the introduction almost verbatim. Using some different words or adding additional insights in the conclusion can make it more engaging and insightful.
coherence cohesion
Your essay structure is generally clear, but some transitions could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing healthcare and education to the disadvantages of urban living could be more seamless. Consider using transitional phrases like 'on the flip side' or 'conversely' to guide your reader.
coherence cohesion
Break down long sentences into shorter ones to improve readability. For example, the first sentence in the second paragraph is quite long and could be split for better clarity.
task achievement
Your essay clearly addresses the topic and stays relevant throughout. Both advantages and disadvantages are covered, giving a balanced view.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which help to give your essay a logical structure. This helps the reader to follow your argument more easily.
coherence cohesion
You have used appropriate vocabulary and grammar, making your essay easy to read and understand.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • urbanization
  • ecosystems
  • economies of scale
  • public transportation
  • reforestation
  • rewilding
  • biodiversity
  • pollution
  • waste production
  • habitat destruction
  • fragmentation
  • traditional agricultural practices
  • sustainable
  • recycling
  • waste management
  • heat islands
  • global warming
  • climate change
  • rural-to-urban shift
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