IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that if a police officer carries a gun it can encourage a higher level of violence. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It is an undeniable fact that
policemen
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 are trying hard to bring the maximum level of safety
for
Change preposition
to
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 the community. It is often argued that carrying
guns
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 by
police
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 officers would lead to a significant rise in violent
actions
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.
However
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, I firmly disagree with the given notion. Apparently, all officers have
guns
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 when on
duties
Fix the agreement mistake
duty
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 and
this
Linking Words
 holds a wide range of constructive benefits.
To begin
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 with,
policemen
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 should have all protective devices like
guns
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,
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apply
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 since they always face dangerous people.
In other words
Linking Words
, if the
police
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 do not carry
guns
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, the criminals do not have anything to be afraid of, and
this
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 definitely has a substantial contribution to raising the rate of crimes.
As
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For
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an
Correct article usage
apply
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instance, a
police
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 guard arrived during a violent action in Tehran, all
criminal
Correct article usage
the criminal
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 men were arrested, and nobody was hurt.
This
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 happened because
police
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 are equipped with
guns
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;
therefore
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, either, they get arrested or they get hurt by
guns
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 if they resist.
As a consequence
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,
police
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 and their
guns
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 are the only reason that lawbreakers are
being
Verb problem
apply
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afraid of, and if they do not have
guns
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, the community should face dismal consequences.
Furthermore
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, when violent
actions
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 are taking place,
police
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 protect themselves, and others with
guns
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 and other equipment. They are completely educated about where and when they should use their
guns
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. Without a doubt,
this
Linking Words
 would be impossible to convince the gangs to stop their
actions
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 without
guns
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. As an example, in Iran, a gang kidnapped many children from school to ask for money from their parents. The
police
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 surrounded the area with a group of gunmen, and because of that, they gave up. In conclusion, holding
guns
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 by
policemen
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 has reaped
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
benefits only, and
this
Linking Words
 cannot be the reason
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 rise the
violent
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of violent
show examples
actions
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. If they do not have
guns
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,
this
Linking Words
 will be followed by catastrophic effects for citizens and
policemen
Use synonyms
.

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task achievement
You have provided a comprehensive response to the prompt, and your ideas are clear and well-developed. However, you could improve by proofreading for minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, such as 'this holds a wide range of constructive benefits.' Consider rephrasing to 'this carries a wide range of constructive benefits.'
coherence cohesion
While your essay is well-structured with clear main points, working on more varied and complex sentence structures could enhance readability and coherence. Additionally, make sure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. For instance, you could use more transitional phrases like 'Moreover' or 'In addition' at the start of the last paragraph.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction is strong and clearly states your position. It effectively sets up the argument you will discuss in the essay.
supported main points
Your main points are well-supported with specific examples, such as the incident in Tehran and the gang kidnapping in Iran, which add credibility to your argument.
introduction conclusion present
Your conclusion is effective, summarizing the main points and reinforcing your argument. It emphatically presents the potential consequences, making your stance clear.
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