IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

A growing number of people feel that animals should not be exploited by people and that they should have the same rights as humans, while others argue that humans must employ animals to satisfy their various needs, including uses for food and research

#people #animals #rights #humans #food #research
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Some Individuals believe that
animals
 should be treated in the same way humans are and have similar rights,
whereas
 others think that it is more significant to use them as we desire for food and medical research. In
this
 essay, I will Interpret both views and give my opinion.
To begin
 with, with regard to the exploitation of
animals
, people believe it is acceptable for several reasons.
Firstly
, they think that families are the most important beings on the planet, and everything must be done to ensure human survival. If
this
 means experimenting on
animals
 so that we can fight and find cures for diseases,
then
this
 takes priority over animal suffering.
Furthermore
, it is believed by some that
animals
 do not feel pain or loss as crowds do, so if we have to kill
animals
 for cuisine or other uses,
then
this
 is morally acceptable.
On the other hand
, I do not believe these arguments stand up to scrutiny. The first reason is that it has been shown on numerous occasions by secret filming in laboratories via animal rights groups that
animals
 feel as much pain as communities do, and they suffer when they are kept in cages for long periods. Not only
this
, a substantial amount of animal research is done for cosmetics, not to find treatments for diseases, so
this
 is unnecessary.
Finally
, it has
also
 been proven that populations can get all the nutrients and vitamins that they require from green vegetables and fruit.
Therefore
, again, having to kill
animals
 for feed is not an adequate argument.
To sum up
,
although
 some folks argue killing
animals
 for research and food is ethical, I would argue there is sufficient evidence to demonstrate that
this
 is not the case, and,
therefore
, steps must be taken to improve the rights of
animals
.
Submitted by praveenmodi28596 on

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task achievement
Your essay is well-structured, with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, to achieve an even higher score, consider fleshing out your ideas with more specific examples and elaborating on each point further. This will make your arguments more compelling and comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
While the essay maintains a logical flow, some sentences could be clearer. For instance, terms like 'families' and 'crowds' should be replaced with 'humans' and 'people' respectively to maintain precision and avoid confusion. Additionally, consider varying sentence structures to improve fluidity.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay has a clear and well-organized structure, which makes it easy to follow. The introduction succinctly outlines the issues, and the conclusion effectively summarizes your viewpoint.
coherence cohesion
You have provided a balanced view by discussing both perspectives on the issue. This approach demonstrates a well-rounded understanding of the topic.
supported main points
The main points are well-supported, especially in the paragraphs where you argue against animal exploitation. The references to secret filming and alternative sources of nutrients add depth to your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Exploitation
  • Animal welfare
  • Ethical treatment
  • Vegetarianism
  • Veganism
  • Cognitive dissonance
  • Humane
  • Live stock
  • Cruelty-free
  • Bioethics
  • Conservation
  • Habitat preservation
  • Ecosystem
  • Biodiversity
  • Animal testing
  • Synthetic biology
  • Genetic engineering
  • Speciesism
  • Animal husbandry
  • Sustainable farming
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