Schools should use films, computers and games instead of books. To what extend do you agree or disagree

According to
the view of public
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figures
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figure
Add a comma
figure,
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lessons should be more fashionable.
For example
, during
lesson
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lessons
show examples
digital materials
such
as games,
films
Correct word choice
and films
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should be used
instead
of books. And in
this
essay
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essay,
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it
Correct pronoun usage
I
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will be given my personal opinion with some examples.
Although
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However
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, technic devices can make lessons attractive. It will make people addicted to them. Indeed, there are some like teachers, who are irresponsible
to
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in
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their job. To be clear they escape their responsibilities
with
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by
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giving
students
permission to watch movies whole lesson.
In
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As
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the
Correct article usage
a
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result they become
entertainment
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entertained
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,
they
Correct word choice
and they
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lose their interest
to
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in
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studying.
Moreover
,
extend
Wrong verb form
extended
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screen time can lead to health problems
such
as contemporary pain in the head. If
students
spend more time
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apply
show examples
to
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apply
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looking
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at
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on
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at
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screen
Add an article
the screen
a screen
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. It may lead to
lose
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losing
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their eyesight.
On the other hand
, with
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the computer
a computer
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computer
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computer,
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we can find any digital materials for our lesson anytime and anywhere. And it is very comfortable same to the teachers and
students
. To be more clear, there are amount of subjects that we can't learn
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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without computers
such
as physics, chemistry, astronomy and of course medicine. Lessons should be studied with some videos
according to
the passage. Especially,
students
should watch examples about planets with their satellites, chemical reactions,
physic
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physical
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experiments and organs of
human
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humans
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on
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in
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3D format if it's possible. Because in the future it will be useful.
However
they
almost seen
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saw
have almost seen
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them,
they
Correct word choice
and they
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would not even
shocked
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be shocked
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or scared, especially in
medical
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the medical
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sphere. In
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
conclusion, I can say
technic
Correct word choice
technological
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devices should be used
instead
of books,
although
they have some problems. Why we shouldn't use them if it is useful for our studying and our future.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your thesis statement in the introduction clearly outlines your position on the topic. This will give your essay a clear direction from the beginning.
coherence cohesion
Strengthen the conclusion by summarizing the main points discussed in the essay and restating your position. This will provide a more cohesive end to your argument.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your main points. Use real-life examples or studies to make your arguments more compelling and relevant.
coherence cohesion
Work on grammatical accuracy and sentence structure to ensure your ideas are conveyed more clearly. This includes paying attention to singular/plural forms and the use of conjunctions.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
You present relevant points both for and against the use of digital materials in education, which balances the essay.
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