IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Schools should use films, computers and games instead of books. To what extend do you agree or disagree

#schools #films #computers #games #books
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According to
Linking Words
 the view of public
Fix the agreement mistake
figures
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figure
Add a comma
figure,
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 lessons should be more fashionable.
For example
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, during
lesson
Fix the agreement mistake
lessons
show examples
 digital materials
such
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 as games,
films
Correct word choice
and films
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 should be used
instead
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 of books. And in
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
essay,
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it
Correct pronoun usage
I
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 will be given my personal opinion with some examples.
Linking Words
Although
Correct word choice
However
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, technic devices can make lessons attractive. It will make people addicted to them. Indeed, there are some like teachers, who are irresponsible
to
Change preposition
in
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 their job. To be clear they escape their responsibilities
with
Change preposition
by
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 giving
students
Use synonyms
 permission to watch movies whole lesson.
In
Change preposition
As
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the
Correct article usage
a
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 result they become
entertainment
Replace the word
entertained
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,
they
Correct word choice
and they
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 lose their interest
to
Change preposition
in
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 studying.
Moreover
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,
extend
Wrong verb form
extended
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 screen time can lead to health problems
such
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 as contemporary pain in the head. If
students
Use synonyms
 spend more time
Change preposition
apply
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to
Change preposition
apply
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looking
Change preposition
at
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on
Change preposition
at
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screen
Add an article
the screen
a screen
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. It may lead to
lose
Change the verb form
losing
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 their eyesight.
On the other hand
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, with
Add an article
the computer
a computer
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computer
Add a comma
computer,
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 we can find any digital materials for our lesson anytime and anywhere. And it is very comfortable same to the teachers and
students
Use synonyms
. To be more clear, there are amount of subjects that we can't learn
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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without computers
such
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 as physics, chemistry, astronomy and of course medicine. Lessons should be studied with some videos
according to
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 the passage. Especially,
students
Use synonyms
 should watch examples about planets with their satellites, chemical reactions,
physic
Replace the word
physical
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 experiments and organs of
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
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on
Change preposition
in
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 3D format if it's possible. Because in the future it will be useful.
However
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 they
almost seen
Add the auxiliary verb
saw
have almost seen
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 them,
they
Correct word choice
and they
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 would not even
shocked
Add a missing verb
be shocked
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 or scared, especially in
medical
Add an article
the medical
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 sphere. In
the
Correct article usage
apply
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conclusion, I can say
technic
Correct word choice
technological
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 devices should be used
instead
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 of books,
although
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 they have some problems. Why we shouldn't use them if it is useful for our studying and our future.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your thesis statement in the introduction clearly outlines your position on the topic. This will give your essay a clear direction from the beginning.
coherence cohesion
Strengthen the conclusion by summarizing the main points discussed in the essay and restating your position. This will provide a more cohesive end to your argument.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your main points. Use real-life examples or studies to make your arguments more compelling and relevant.
coherence cohesion
Work on grammatical accuracy and sentence structure to ensure your ideas are conveyed more clearly. This includes paying attention to singular/plural forms and the use of conjunctions.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
You present relevant points both for and against the use of digital materials in education, which balances the essay.
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