IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people feel that public money should not be spent on cultural amenities such as museums, theatres and art festivals. How important do you think these things are to society as a whole? Are there any areas which are more important for the government to fund?

#people #money #amenities #museums #theatres #art #festivals #society #areas #government #fund
In the past few years, there has been an ongoing issue about financial needs in cultural amenities. Some people claim that it is better to
spare
Verb problem
spend
show examples
 a country’s budget on
education
 than art-related fields. In my opinion,
although
this
 is debatable, I believe it is urgent to fund festivals
due to
 economic necessity.
To begin
 with, a nation must have
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
monetary management in terms of cultural needs, meaning there are desirable purposes on which the authorities pour out their funding. These
ranging
Replace the word
range
show examples
 from empowerment to the small enterprises who sell souvenirs in a museum to the refurnishing of the country’s art collections. One example, Indonesia’s government spent 25% of their budget on the renovation of its military museums in Jakarta, affecting employment for the local people. Admittedly,
this
 brings a systemic impact on the nation’s economic growth.
On the other hand
, there is a well-known problem in the
education
 field which needs immediate action.
This
 happens when the officials neglect the basic needs of their citizens and focus on other needs like subsidizing
theater
Change the spelling
theatre
show examples
 tickets, causing a change in
financial
Add an article
the financial
show examples
 plan for
education
.
Furthermore
, research has shown that fiscal restructuring for cultural amenities
undermine
Change the verb form
undermines
show examples
 80% of a school's funding policies. Certainly,
this
 is an area
which
Change preposition
in which
show examples
 the ministry could improve more for the country;
s
Correct your spelling
's
long term
Add a hyphen
long-term
show examples
 vision.
To conclude
, I strongly believe that spending
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public money
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 cultural needs
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 important
due to
 economic advancement.
However
,
education
 purposes should be funded more than a collection of paintings.
Submitted by paslonbahagia on

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task achievement
The essay needs better clarity and depth in ideas. Make sure to fully explore your points, especially concerning the importance of funding cultural amenities in comparison to other areas such as education.
coherence cohesion
Improve your logical structure by ensuring smoother transitions between ideas. The essay can benefit from clearer topic sentences that link back to the main argument.
task achievement
Provide more relevant and specific examples to support your arguments. This will help in illustrating your points more vividly and make your argument stronger.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in providing a structured response to the topic.
coherence cohesion
The main points are adequately supported by examples, even though they can be more specific and detailed.
task achievement
The response addresses both sides of the argument, demonstrating a balanced perspective.

Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

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