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In most of the countries of the word youngsters are involved in some kind of paid work. People have different view about it: some think it is completely wrong, while other believe it is a valuable work experience. Discuss both views.

#countries #word #youngsters #work #people #think
In most of the countries of the
Add a comma
word,
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word
Correct your spelling
world
show examples
 youngsters are involved in some kind of paid
work
. People have different
view
Fix the agreement mistake
views
show examples
 about it: some think it is completely wrong,
while
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 believe it is a valuable
work
 experience. In my opinion, it would be enough if
children
 had a limit
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 paid
work
. On one hand, forcing kids to
work
 is a huge crime, expressing violence towards them.
Moreover
,
children
 doing
work
instead
 of
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
 is
a
Remove the article
apply
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child labour. Parents must be able to
explain
Add the preposition
explain to
show examples
 their kids that their
age
 is for learning and exploring the world, but not earning
money
 at a young
age
.
Furthermore
, if kids go to
work
instead
 of people who are trying to find a job, it will affect the unemployment rate, causing the economy
fall
Fix the infinitive
to fall
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 and leaving a grown-up person without any income.
On the other hand
, if
children
will
Verb problem
apply
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start to
work
from
Change preposition
at
show examples
their
Change the word
a
show examples
 young
age
, later, they will have a better understanding of how
money
 works. Nowadays,
young
Add an article
the young
show examples
 generation does not value what they have especially in terms of finance.
By showing
Change preposition
Showing
show examples
 them what
does
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
it
mean
Correct subject-verb agreement
means
show examples
 to go to
work
, earn
money
, and spend earned
money
 would contribute to the way they relate to finance.
Lastly
, if a kid wants to do it and has a great potential
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 it, their parents must create for them an opportunity;
however
, the government should have a limit to it, meaning that a child can
work
 4 hours maximum a week so
to
Correct word choice
as to
show examples
 not disturb their studies.
To sum up
, in my opinion, it is not a bad idea to let
children
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
work
 at a young
age
;
however
, they must have a limit per week in order to not affect their learning process.
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task response
Your essay does provide an answer to the prompt and addresses both sides of the argument, but you could benefit from offering more specific examples to illustrate your points.
task response
Some parts of your argument could be expanded and clarified further. For example, when discussing the negative impacts on unemployment due to child labor, integrating statistical examples or specific cases would strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your ideas are clearly linked together. The argument on parents explaining the importance of learning could be more cohesively linked to the negative effects of child labor.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical progression of your paragraphs. There were moments where the flow between points could have been smoother. For example, the transition between the argument about child labor being a crime to its impact on unemployment could be more naturally bridged.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in structuring your response well.
task response
You present balanced views on both sides of the argument, which is essential for a task of this nature.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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