IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Successful people try new things and take risks rather than only doing what they know how to do well. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer

#people #risks #support
Successful
people
 tend to take more risks
other
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apply
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than their counterparts without hesitating. In
this
 essay, I will discuss
on
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apply
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how successful minds are
risk takers
Add a hyphen
risk-takers
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 and don't settle for ordinary things.
To begin
 with, the most important
traits
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trait
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 of highly sharp minds, who are successful is that they don't follow the herd's mentality.They will opt for the things that
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 of the
people
 are following, rather than that they will come up with something innovative, which nobody has tried yet, and put all their efforts into trying something different. One of the biggest examples, of successful
people
 not following their normal course of action is Mr. Bill Gates, who did not even complete
the
Correct article usage
apply
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college and started Microsoft from his garage. Following his footsteps, Mr. Mark Zuckerberg laid the foundation of Facebook. Both the companies are biggest giants and provide
employments
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employment
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 to
large
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a large
the large
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 number of
people
.
On the other hand
, if Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg
would have
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had
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 just completed their
colleges
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college
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 and
would have
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had
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 taken a normal job, they would have never been the
owner
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owners
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 of
such
 big companies. If someone is afraid to take the
risk
, that means they are
loosing
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losing
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 an opportunity.
For instance
,
lot
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a lot
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 of IIM graduates take jobs in
Big
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the Big
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 4, and follow the career path, they never take the
risk
 of leaving
high paying
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high-paying
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job
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jobs
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 and
do
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doing
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start-up
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start-ups
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, as most of them are afraid of
loosing
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losing
show examples
 financial stability. When someone is not scared of failing that means they are on the verge
on
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of
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 success.
To conclude
, success comes only when you put all your efforts irrespective of failing and taking the
risk
. T
Submitted by neelima.sharma60 on

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task achievement
Your introduction could be improved by clearly stating your position on the topic and providing a brief preview of the main points you'll discuss.
task achievement
The essay could benefit from more detailed explanations and examples. For instance, you could provide more information about how Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg took specific risks and the impact of these risks on their success.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. Transitional phrases such as 'Moreover,' 'Additionally,' or 'However,' can help to make the connection between ideas clearer.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion is a bit abrupt. Summarize the main points discussed in the essay and clearly restate your position to provide a stronger ending.
task achievement
The essay provides relevant examples of successful individuals, such as Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg, who took risks and tried new things.
task achievement
The essay addresses the topic and provides a clear perspective on how successful people take risks instead of following a traditional path.
coherence cohesion
The structure of the essay is clear, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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