IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Museum and Art Galleries should concentrate on work that show history and culture of their own country rather than work of the other part in the world.To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#museum #art #galleries #work #show #history #culture #country #part #world
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Social places
such
 as
museum
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museums
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 and art galleries have an integral part in understanding
history
. It is,
therefore
, not surprising to see how it has caused a controversy among people about whether countries should focus
their
Change preposition
on their
show examples
 own
history
 and
culture
 or not. Some people firmly support their argument,
others
Correct word choice
while others
show examples
 adamantly object to it. I have solid reasons to agree with both two of which are presenting their cultural heritage and giving
chance
Correct article usage
a chance
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 to different cultures.
To begin
 with, supporters of
this
 matter claim that social place should show their own
culture
 and
history
, especially for tourists who
are visit
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are visiting
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 the country to learn more about the
country
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country's
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history
.
For instance
, İstanbul Modern Art Gallery includes popular artists’ works more than their local artists.
This
 is
very
Correct article usage
a very
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 convincing argument depending on
fact
Add an article
the fact
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 that
this
Correct determiner usage
these
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 various
situation
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situations
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 can confuse
visitor
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visitors
show examples
mind
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minds
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.
Also
, tourists want to observe places own
culture
. It leads to
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of considering countries own
history
 and
culture
.
On the other hand
, intellectual activities like visiting
museum
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museums
show examples
 and art
gallery
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galleries
show examples
 link to exploring local life.
Therefore
, urban places should show only local experiences. The opponents of
this
 matter have
a totally different perspectives
Correct the article-noun agreement
a totally different perspective
totally different perspectives
show examples
 about
this
 debate. They emphasize that globalization impacts social
connection
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connections
show examples
such
 as international tourists. It may be argued
this
 is very important as cultural heritage is part of
global
Correct article usage
the global
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 World.
It is clear that
 natural disasters and war
risk
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risks
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 have a hazardous effect on historical pieces.
Therefore
,
protection
Correct article usage
the protection
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 of world heritage is
responsibility
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the responsibility
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 of everyone.
In other words
, preservation and bringing essential pieces of
history
 to visitors is more important than where they are displayed.
For example
,
British
Correct article usage
the British
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 Museum presents very crucial historical pieces about not only
Add an article
the antic
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antic
Capitalize word
Antic
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 world but
also
 the
roman empire
Correct your spelling
Roman Empire
show examples
.
To sum up
, people have
a totally different perspectives
Correct the article-noun agreement
a totally different perspective
totally different perspectives
show examples
 about
this
 matter.
Nevertheless
, when everything is taken into account, I am inclined to believe that there should be a delicate balance between these two arguments.
Submitted by emiretatli7 on

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task achievement
To enhance your task response, continue to delve deeper into each argument, providing more specific examples and detailed analysis to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to work on the flow between your paragraphs and ideas. Use transitional phrases to make your essay read more smoothly.
coherence cohesion
While your introduction clearly sets up the debate and your conclusion effectively summarizes your points, consider making your thesis statement more explicit in the introduction and explicitly restating your position in the conclusion.
task achievement
Your essay effectively presents a balanced perspective, discussing both sides of the argument, which demonstrates a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The use of clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph helps to guide the reader through your arguments.
task achievement
You provide relevant and specific examples to support your points, which strengthens your arguments.
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