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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The tradition that famliy gets together to eat meals is disappearing. What are the reasons? What are the impacts on families and societies?

#tradition #famliy #meals #impacts #families #societies
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Having
meals
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 with family is getting less common today. The rising rate of
employment
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 of both
parents
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 and the increasing use of digital devices among young adults are significant reasons for more families to eat separately. The lack of
time
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 for conversation during
meals
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 can harm their relationship and promote the isolation of
children
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. The primary cause for a declining custom of meal
time
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 with family is the rising number of
parents
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 having full-
time
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employment
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 these days.
In other words
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, more
children
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 tend to eat
meals
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 by themselves since their
parents
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 are late to come home from work. In fact, the
employment
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 rate among women has almost doubled in the past few years.
Thus
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, their growing difficulty in adjusting mealtimes with
children
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 discourages their conversation, which is critical in building an intimate relationship.
Furthermore
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, the lack of understanding of each other will lead to more conflicts and suspicion within the family, which makes
parents
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 undependable even when an emergency arises because of the constant shortage of shared
time
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 in daily life. Another significant factor for the disappearing custom of having
meals
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 with family is the increasing reliance on digital devices among young adults. Indeed, they are more likely to spend
time
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 enjoying various activities online in their own rooms rather than eating with their family.
For instance
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, they are often so obsessed with chatting and posting pictures and videos of their hobbies and holidays using SNS sites
such
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 as Facebook and Instagram, which leads to the declining value of face-to-face communication in daily life.
This
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 can encourage the isolation of
children
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 without proper supervision from adults and raise risks of their wrongdoings and being a victim of crimes.
Consequently
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, juvenile delinquency, often caused by the weakening relationship with
parents
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, has become a serious issue in modern society. In conclusion, eating
meals
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 with family is less common with the higher
employment
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 rate of women, resulting in more
children
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 spending solitary
time
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.
In addition
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, their growing addiction to SNS today makes the actual interaction with
parents
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 less attractive, allowing
children
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 to escalate their improper behaviour.
Submitted by mizuho on

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task achievement
While the essay addresses key reasons for the decline in family meals and discusses their impacts, it could benefit from a broader range of reasons and impacts. Including additional factors and perspectives would enhance the depth of the analysis.
task achievement
Support your arguments with more varied and detailed examples. This would not only strengthen your points but also make your essay more compelling and relatable to the reader.
coherence cohesion
Although your main ideas are clear and well-organized, the coherence of your essay could be improved. Working on smoother transitions between paragraphs and ensuring that each paragraph flows logically to the next would create a more seamless reading experience.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure is quite strong, but there is room for improvement in consistently linking your ideas back to the central theme of the essay. This will help tie everything together and reinforce your main points.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame your argument.
coherence cohesion
The main points are clearly articulated, and each paragraph addresses a distinct idea related to the topic.
task achievement
You have comprehensively identified significant reasons for the decline in family meals and discussed their impacts on families and society.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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