IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The tradition that famliy gets together to eat meals is disappearing. What are the reasons? What are the impacts on families and societies?

Having
meals
Use synonyms
 with family is getting less common today. The rising rate of
employment
Use synonyms
 of both
parents
Use synonyms
 and the increasing use of digital devices among young adults are significant reasons for more families to eat separately. The lack of
time
Use synonyms
 for conversation during
meals
Use synonyms
 can harm their relationship and promote the isolation of
children
Use synonyms
. The primary cause for a declining custom of meal
time
Use synonyms
 with family is the rising number of
parents
Use synonyms
 having full-
time
Use synonyms
employment
Use synonyms
 these days.
In other words
Linking Words
, more
children
Use synonyms
 tend to eat
meals
Use synonyms
 by themselves since their
parents
Use synonyms
 are late to come home from work. In fact, the
employment
Use synonyms
 rate among women has almost doubled in the past few years.
Thus
Linking Words
, their growing difficulty in adjusting mealtimes with
children
Use synonyms
 discourages their conversation, which is critical in building an intimate relationship.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the lack of understanding of each other will lead to more conflicts and suspicion within the family, which makes
parents
Use synonyms
 undependable even when an emergency arises because of the constant shortage of shared
time
Use synonyms
 in daily life. Another significant factor for the disappearing custom of having
meals
Use synonyms
 with family is the increasing reliance on digital devices among young adults. Indeed, they are more likely to spend
time
Use synonyms
 enjoying various activities online in their own rooms rather than eating with their family.
For instance
Linking Words
, they are often so obsessed with chatting and posting pictures and videos of their hobbies and holidays using SNS sites
such
Linking Words
 as Facebook and Instagram, which leads to the declining value of face-to-face communication in daily life.
This
Linking Words
 can encourage the isolation of
children
Use synonyms
 without proper supervision from adults and raise risks of their wrongdoings and being a victim of crimes.
Consequently
Linking Words
, juvenile delinquency, often caused by the weakening relationship with
parents
Use synonyms
, has become a serious issue in modern society. In conclusion, eating
meals
Use synonyms
 with family is less common with the higher
employment
Use synonyms
 rate of women, resulting in more
children
Use synonyms
 spending solitary
time
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
, their growing addiction to SNS today makes the actual interaction with
parents
Use synonyms
 less attractive, allowing
children
Use synonyms
 to escalate their improper behaviour.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
While the essay addresses key reasons for the decline in family meals and discusses their impacts, it could benefit from a broader range of reasons and impacts. Including additional factors and perspectives would enhance the depth of the analysis.
task achievement
Support your arguments with more varied and detailed examples. This would not only strengthen your points but also make your essay more compelling and relatable to the reader.
coherence cohesion
Although your main ideas are clear and well-organized, the coherence of your essay could be improved. Working on smoother transitions between paragraphs and ensuring that each paragraph flows logically to the next would create a more seamless reading experience.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure is quite strong, but there is room for improvement in consistently linking your ideas back to the central theme of the essay. This will help tie everything together and reinforce your main points.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame your argument.
coherence cohesion
The main points are clearly articulated, and each paragraph addresses a distinct idea related to the topic.
task achievement
You have comprehensively identified significant reasons for the decline in family meals and discussed their impacts on families and society.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: