IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Many young people do not spend their holidays and weekends doing outdoor activities like hiking and climbing in natural environments. Why is this case? How can they be encoutaged to go out?

#people #holidays #weekends #activities #environments #case
By the millenniums, adults’ preference about westing their weekends have been changed. Today they tend to spend their holidays by not doing physical challenges on the outside.It has wrong
due to
 the fact that, they do not have enough data about
this
activities
.
teenagers
 will be involved into
activities
 in natural, if the company will have a strong advertisement on social
platforms
.
To begin
 with, in
this
 field
teenagers
 do not own knowledge about variety of outdoor
activities
. They keep with belief that there is nothing exciting for youth .
For example
:In fact, there are more than 20
activities
 in Utah,but only a few percent of adults know about it.
Thus
, lack of information about
such
 industries contribute adults to choose an another option. It is known that
teenagers
 have addiction from social
platforms
. If
companies
 whom belong the outdoor
activities
 do a powerful PR on social
platforms
, it will become interesting for them to try it.
For example
: in the Uzbekistan,
companies
 pay more attention on advertising their services both on social networking systems.Since it has been involved, more
then
 half percent of visitors turning to
teenagers
.
Therefore
, if
companies
 do more advertising in social
platforms
, more adults will be encouraged into climbing and e.d. In conclusion,The main reason of the issue is that there are not enough data about challenges in natural environments.In order to copy with
this
companies
 should care about PR.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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task achievement
The essay addresses the task but lacks in-depth exploration and specificity. Ensure that each point is clearly related to the topic and provides a comprehensive view of the issue.
coherence cohesion
Improve the essay's organization by creating clear topic sentences and linking ideas logically. Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea and provide clear supporting evidence.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion need more clarity and should effectively encapsulate the main points discussed in the essay.
task achievement
Make sure your ideas are fully developed by providing more detailed examples and explanations. Each argument should be clear and insightful.
task achievement
The essay attempts to address the main points of the task, identifying both the reasons for the issue and potential solutions.
task achievement
Some relevant examples are given to support the points made, such as the example of Utah and Uzbekistan.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • digital entertainment
  • urbanization
  • peer influence
  • natural environments
  • engage in outdoor activities
  • lack of awareness
  • safety concerns
  • convenient
  • remote areas
  • benefits
  • unfamiliar areas
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