IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people see sports only as a leisure activity while others believes sports play a more important role .Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #sports #leisure #activity #role
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It is asserted
by
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apply
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some individuals that
games
Use synonyms
 are only a way of enjoying their free
time
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whereas
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 others think that
sports
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 play a crucial
role
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.
Although
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games
Use synonyms
 are
great
Add an article
a great
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 way to spend idle
time
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,I believe that these play more imperative roles
such
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 as physical fitness and job opportunities To commence with,
sports
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 are an excellent means of relaxation and amusement,so are thought to be an idle
time
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 activity.To elaborate,most
of
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people like to play some
games
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 with their friends and family in the evening after the long working hours at their jobs ,
therefore
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,playing with loved ones becomes an activity of enjoyment which can give relief from the exhaustion of jobs.
For example
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,
according to
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 a survey done in India almost 70% of working women like to spend their evenings
by
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apply
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playing badminton with their friends which gives them a stress-free feeling.
Hence
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,
games
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 can rejuvenate
gloomy
Correct article usage
the gloomy
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 moods of most
of
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apply
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people.
On the other hand
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 ,
games
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 play a vital
role
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instead
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 of just
bieng
Correct your spelling
being
 a leisure
time
Use synonyms
 activity as getting indulged in
sports
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 activities is imperative for physical fitness.To explain it,people who play
games
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 daily and do some exercises,always stay healthy and happy because diseases stay away from them.
Moreover
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,
games
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also
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 inculcate
the
Correct article usage
apply
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ethics in the players
such
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 as socialization,discipline and team spirit.
Further
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,
sports
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 provide multifarious job opportunities and professionals in
this
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 field earn much more money than any other job.
For instance
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,the salary of the Indian cricket coach is about two lakh per month which is a huge amount to be earned by a trainer.
Thus
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,
sports
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 play a significant
role
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 in human life. In conclusion,
although
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games
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 help in spending spare
time
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 ,it does not mean that it is the only
role
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 played by
games
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 as these are essential for
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overall
Add an article
the overall
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 growth of an individual and
also
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 provide
employments
Fix the agreement mistake
employment
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 to players.
Submitted by japjotsandhu8553 on

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coherence cohesion
Try to provide a clear thesis statement in the introduction. This will help guide the reader on what to expect in the essay.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving transition phrases to make the flow of ideas smoother. For example, use phrases like 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand' more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph starts with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea of the paragraph.
task achievement
Clarify and expand on ideas to make them more comprehensive. Some points are implied rather than clearly stated.
task achievement
Work on sentence variety to improve readability and engagement. Overuse of similar sentence structures can make the essay monotonous.
task achievement
You have addressed all parts of the question and provided a balanced discussion on both views.
task achievement
Relevant specific examples like the survey in India and the salary of the Indian cricket coach effectively support your points.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a well-rounded conclusion that summarizes your main ideas effectively.
coherence cohesion
Main points are generally supported with adequate explanations and examples, making your arguments more convincing.
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