IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that the main factors influencing a child's development these days are things such as television, friends, and music. Others believe that the family still remains more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #factors #child #development #television #friends #music
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Television
Use synonyms
, friends,
music
Use synonyms
, and family
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 a few
factors
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 that
involved
Add a missing verb
are involved
show examples
 in a
child
Use synonyms
's growth. These
factors
Use synonyms
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 been a debatable issue since there are two different views on the most important
factors
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 of the
development
Use synonyms
 of
children
Use synonyms
 nowadays. One of which says the day-to-day thing that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
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experiences
Change the verb form
experience
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as
television
Use synonyms
, friends, and
music
Use synonyms
 are the main
factors
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, and the other says
Use synonyms
children'
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 families still play a huge part in their
development
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. I personally think that there is no right or wrong with those two views since every
child
Use synonyms
's
development
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 is different from one another
depend
Change the form of the verb
depending
show examples
 on what they
actually
Add a missing verb
are actually
show examples
 interested in. The
children
Use synonyms
 themself will eventually discover what they
really
Add a missing verb
are really
show examples
 interested in and we, as their parents are responsible
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
accomodate
Correct your spelling
accommodating
 it with
Use synonyms
factors
Correct article usage
the factors
show examples
 that
said
Add a missing verb
are said
show examples
 above.
Television
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,
music
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, and gadgets
that
Linking Words
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 popular towards
children
Use synonyms
 nowadays have many positive
impact
Change to a plural noun
impacts
show examples
 towards
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
show examples
 with
adults
Fix the agreement mistake
adult
show examples
 supervision. There are many educational
tv
Correct your spelling
TV
show examples
 shows, songs, games, videos, and any kind of
entertaiments
Correct your spelling
entertainment
entertainments
 for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
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 all over the
television
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 and
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
.
Scientific
Correct article usage
A scientific
show examples
 journal once said that decent
music
Use synonyms
 and
entertaiment
Correct your spelling
entertainment
 can stimulate
Use synonyms
child's
Correct article usage
a child's
show examples
development
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 excellently, it can stimulate them to start talking and be more
understandable
Replace the word
understanding
show examples
 towards their environment. Friends
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
also
Linking Words
played
Wrong verb form
play
show examples
 a big influence towards
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
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's
development
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 by being socialized
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because they tend to understand one another since they are in the same
range of age
Correct your spelling
age range
show examples
. Aside from those that are on the outside of the
children
Use synonyms
's inner circle, their family of course take a biggest part of their life. Their family is the first thing that they know in
this
Linking Words
 world and they will oversee their family as their role model. As a
child
Use synonyms
 with a little knowledge, they will absorb all the
thing
Fix the agreement mistake
things
show examples
 that their
family's
Change the noun form
families
family
show examples
does
Correct subject-verb agreement
do
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 and follow them as
their
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
living
Wrong verb form
live
show examples
 their
child
Use synonyms
's
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
. With that being said, I think those two views; external
factors
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 and internal
factors
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, are equally important for a
child
Use synonyms
's
development
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.
Thus
Linking Words
, as a
child
Use synonyms
's guardian, we adults have to supervise and choose the right environment for the
Use synonyms
child's
Change noun form
child
show examples
 externally (outside the house) and internally (inside the house) throughout.
With
Change preposition
By
show examples
 making the best environment for the
children
Use synonyms
, their best
development
Use synonyms
 will follow.
Submitted by Selectnames on

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grammar
Ensure grammatical accuracy by checking verb agreements, such as 'factors that are' instead of 'factors that is'.
coherence
Use transitions effectively to ensure smooth flow between ideas. For instance, words like 'furthermore', 'likewise', and 'consequently' can help in linking sentences and paragraphs.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to back up your points. This can substantiate your arguments and make them more convincing.
introduction
The introduction clearly defines the two perspectives.
content
There is a balanced discussion on both views regarding a child's development.
conclusion
The conclusion effectively synthesizes the two perspectives and presents a clear personal opinion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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