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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The pie charts below show the propotions of visits to Ireland last year by age group, and by gender and type of visit.

The pie charts below show the propotions of visits to Ireland last year by age group, and by gender and type of visit.
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The provided pie chart gives information about the number of
percentage
Use synonyms
, who visited
to
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
Ireland by age group and by gender and type of visit.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is obviously seen that
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 analyzed
year
Use synonyms
 the highest
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
visitors
Use synonyms
 was 45-54
years
Use synonyms
 and 25-34
years
Use synonyms
,
whereas
Linking Words
 from 0 to 15
Use synonyms
year
Fix the agreement mistake
years
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 was the lowest
percentage
Use synonyms
.
Also
Linking Words
, the figures of males and females who visited leisure classes were more, than business classes. Getting back to the details
last
Linking Words
year
Use synonyms
 the highest
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
visitors
Use synonyms
 was ages
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
25 to 54
years
Use synonyms
, and accounted
23
Change preposition
for 23
show examples
%,
on the
Linking Words
contrary
Add the comma(s)
contrary,
show examples
 the figure
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 visiter
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
under 15
Use synonyms
year
Change to a plural noun
years
show examples
 was only 6%. The
visitors
Use synonyms
 16-24
years
Use synonyms
 made up 9%, compared to
years
Use synonyms
 between 55-64 was less
2
Change preposition
than 2
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%. The second highest
percentage
Use synonyms
 was 35-44
years
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 constituted 19%. The
percentage
Use synonyms
 of females who visited business class was only 4% and males were 13%. The figures were the lowest
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
visitors
Use synonyms
,
whereas
Linking Words
 the highest
percentage
Use synonyms
 was leisure
visitors
Use synonyms
. The
males
Change noun form
male's
males'
show examples
 and the
females
Change to a genitive case
female's
females'
show examples
percentage
Use synonyms
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 43% and 40% respectively.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "whereas".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words percentage, year, visitors, years with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 9 times.
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