IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

It is universally accepted that eating too much sugar has a negative effect on people’s health. Therefore, some believe that the government should control the amount of sugar people consume. Others think that it is the responsibility of an individual to monitor their sugar intake. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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It is often debated that higher organisations should eliminate the excessive
intake
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 of
sugar
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 that humans consume
while
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 others believe that every human being should look over their diet that contains glucose content as there is a great adverse effect of taking
sugar
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 at a higher level to the health of the individual which is proven worldwide. In
this
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 essay , I will briefly explain both prospects and my opinion. On the one hand, it is true that the government should put some effort into reducing the fructose
intake
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 by the people.
Firstly
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, they can limit the production of
sugar
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 by implementing the limited concentration that should be produced by the industry.
For instance
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, the
sugar
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 mill industry should manufacture 50 per cent of the sugary products that are used in a bakery.
Secondly
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, the government should assist in cheap blood tests in the labs that are HBA1c which is mainly used to check blood
sugar
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 levels.
This
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 can encourage people to maintain their blood level and get it checked every 6 months.
On the other hand
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 , Every individual is responsible for their own physical health. To be physically fit, it is better that each one should take the initiation to avoid excessive
intake
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 of maltose in their diet as most of the diseases are caused by
sugar
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 including diabetes, obesity , lethargy , dental issues and even face acne. It has been observed that most of the children are suffering from dental issues because of the excessive
intake
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 of chocolates, cookies and sweets. Lots of children
also
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 suffer from more body weight as they prefer to get attracted to candies and many more
sugar
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-containing food items. To summarise, in my opinion , it is the responsibility of the individual mostly to plan their three-time meals that include the healthy and required amount of content only rather than becoming foodies.

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task achievement
Your essay discusses both views and provides an opinion, which is good for task achievement. However, the essay would benefit from a clearer thesis statement and more coherent structuring of ideas. For instance, your introduction should succinctly state your stance and outline the main points to be discussed. Additionally, your conclusion could be more robust in summarizing the key arguments made.
coherence and cohesion
While your essay maintains a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion, the logical flow between ideas can be further improved. Use more transition words and phrases to guide the reader through your arguments. For example, when moving from discussing the government's role to individual responsibility, signals such as "On the other hand" or "However" can help. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that ideas are developed logically within paragraphs.
coherence and cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, ensure each paragraph is focused on a single main idea and fully develops it before moving on to the next point. This includes using specific examples to support your arguments. For instance, when discussing how individuals can manage their sugar intake, you might include practical steps such as reading food labels, opting for natural sugars, or utilizing mobile health apps.
task achievement
You touch on important points relevant to the task and provide a balanced discussion of both perspectives. This demonstrates a good understanding of the essay question.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is well-organized with distinct paragraphs discussing different viewpoints, making it easier to follow. It highlights efforts by both the government and individuals in managing sugar intake.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • negative effect on health
  • government control
  • sugar consumption
  • public awareness campaigns
  • excessive sugar
  • regulations
  • tax on sugary products
  • limits for sugar levels
  • manufacturers
  • accountability
  • freedom of choice
  • health implications
  • dietary habits
  • lifestyle changes
  • reading labels
  • healthier alternatives
  • self-regulation
  • personal accountability
  • external regulations
  • public health measures
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