Some children spend hours everyday on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development ?
Nowadays,
children
spend hours
everyday
on their Replace the word
every day
smartphones
. Smartphones
are the most used inventions
nowadays, and every Fix the agreement mistake
invention
teenagres
, even Correct your spelling
teenagers
teenager
children
have one. Children
see smartphones
as an important thing they need in their life
, they believe it is a great source Fix the agreement mistake
lives
for
Change preposition
of
entertainment
, as
a useful object, but Correct word choice
and
smartphones
also
has
negatives Change the verb form
have
along with
Change preposition
apply
it
. There are always benefits and negatives Correct pronoun usage
apply
on
something.
Change preposition
to
Firstly
, a smartphone
has a lot of useful benefits and functions. A smartphone
has many widgets, such
as a clock, timer or calendar. They all can be accessed easily on a smartphone
, reducing having to wear a watch, bring a stopwatch or even carry a calendar just to check today's date or the current time of day. Second,
the smartphone
has access to the Internet
. The Internet
is a great source for information, research, or even entertainment
. The Internet
has a huge library on almost every topic you need, and you can find it all with just a simple search. Third,
the smartphone
allows you to access Social Media
, which is mostly the main reason children
spend hours
on their smartphones
. Social Media
allows you to interact with people, find people globally and get to know them, it allows you to discover the world without even having to travel around it. With social media
, kids are provided hours
of fun and entertainment
without ever becoming bored. Social media
allows them to talk with their friends no matter how far the
distance.
Moving on, there are the negatives that come with Correct your spelling
they
smartphones
and children
spending hours
on it
. Correct pronoun usage
them
Although
you can interact with people without having to meet them face to face through smartphones
, this
causes children
to be lazy. With the
Correct article usage
apply
smartphones
, children
don't feel any motivation to go outside or hang out with their friends when they can do it in
their phones Change preposition
on
at
the comfort of their own home. But Change preposition
in
this
can affect a child's health, they won't get any physical activities and their bodies could grow weak and small, they wont
get any sunlight and they might never leave their homes or go outside at all. Add an apostrophe
won't
Then
, we have the content
inside social media
and how it could affect the
Correct article usage
apply
children
's development. If a kid spends hours
on their smartphones
on social media
without a parent's supervision, they could develop poorly and become rebellious. Children
could be watching inappropriate content
for someone of their age and their brain
could be developed wrong, they might start rebelling against their Fix the agreement mistake
brains
parents
, always fighting back, never obeying and always disrespecting their parents
. Children
could easily be fooled by strangers online to do indecent things, such
as asking for Correct your spelling
private
priavte
pictures of the Correct your spelling
private
children
, or even making the children
harm themselves. Social media
and the Internet
can be a bad place for children
if unsupervised, and they could spend hours
on their smartphones
affecting their brain, their growth, and how they will eventually become as a person.
Lastly
, in my opinion
I believe that Add a comma
opinion,
children
spending hours
on their smartphones
as
a positive developmentCorrect your spelling
is
,
if supervised by the Remove the comma
apply
parents
of the children
. Children
could
learn so Wrong verb form
can
much
things on their Change the quantifier
many
smartphones
and smartphones
help parents
to get a break in
taking care of their Change preposition
from
children
by providing entertainment
and fun. But parents
must supervise their children
to be sure that they are spending hours
on their smartphones
consuming the right type of content
, that
they aren't being told to do things or watching Correct word choice
and that
content
that is
wrong for their age,
because that could easily affect how their child grows and becomes as a person.Remove the comma
apply
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task achievement
You have addressed the task well by presenting both sides of the argument. However, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single point more clearly, and more specific examples could make your ideas stronger.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure and flows well. To improve, make sure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and logical progression. Use more linking words and cohesive devices to show more complex relationships between ideas.
coherence cohesion
While you have a clear introduction and conclusion, aim to make them more concise and to the point. Your conclusion could be stronger by summarizing the main points more effectively.
task achievement
Your essay offers a balanced view on the topic and discusses both the positive and negative aspects of children spending time on smartphones.
coherence cohesion
The use of paragraphs to separate ideas is done well, making the essay easy to follow.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?