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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some children spend hours everyday on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development ?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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Nowadays,
children
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 spend
hours
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everyday
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every day
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 on their
smartphones
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.
Smartphones
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 are the most used
inventions
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invention
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 nowadays, and every
teenagres
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teenagers
teenager
, even
children
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 have one.
Children
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 see
smartphones
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 as an important thing they need in their
life
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lives
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, they believe it is a great source
for
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of
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entertainment
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,
as
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and
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 a useful object, but
smartphones
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also
Linking Words
has
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have
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 negatives
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along with
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apply
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it
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apply
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. There are always benefits and negatives
on
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to
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 something.
Firstly
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, a
smartphone
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 has a lot of useful benefits and functions. A
smartphone
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 has many widgets,
such
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 as a clock, timer or calendar. They all can be accessed easily on a
smartphone
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, reducing having to wear a watch, bring a stopwatch or even carry a calendar just to check today's date or the current time of day.
Second,
Linking Words
the
smartphone
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 has access to the
Internet
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. The
Internet
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 is a great source for information, research, or even
entertainment
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. The
Internet
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 has a huge library on almost every topic you need, and you can find it all with just a simple search.
Third,
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the
smartphone
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 allows you to access Social
Media
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, which is mostly the main reason
children
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 spend
hours
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 on their
smartphones
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. Social
Media
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 allows you to interact with people, find people globally and get to know them, it allows you to discover the world without even having to travel around it. With social
media
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, kids are provided
hours
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 of fun and
entertainment
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 without ever becoming bored. Social
media
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 allows them to talk with their friends no matter how far
the
Correct your spelling
they
show examples
 distance. Moving on, there are the negatives that come with
smartphones
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 and
children
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 spending
hours
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 on
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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.
Although
Linking Words
 you can interact with people without having to meet them face to face through
smartphones
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,
this
Linking Words
 causes
children
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 to be lazy. With
the
Correct article usage
apply
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smartphones
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,
children
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 don't feel any motivation to go outside or hang out with their friends when they can do it
in
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on
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 their phones
at
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in
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 the comfort of their own home. But
this
Linking Words
 can affect a child's health, they won't get any physical activities and their bodies could grow weak and small, they
wont
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won't
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 get any sunlight and they might never leave their homes or go outside at all.
Then
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, we have the
content
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 inside social
media
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 and how it could affect
the
Correct article usage
apply
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children
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's development. If a kid spends
hours
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 on their
smartphones
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 on social
media
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 without a parent's supervision, they could develop poorly and become rebellious.
Children
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 could be watching inappropriate
content
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 for someone of their age and their
brain
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brains
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 could be developed wrong, they might start rebelling against their
parents
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, always fighting back, never obeying and always disrespecting their
parents
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.
Children
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 could easily be fooled by strangers online to do indecent things,
such
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 as asking for
Correct your spelling
private
priavte
Correct your spelling
private
 pictures of the
children
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, or even making the
children
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 harm themselves. Social
media
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 and the
Internet
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 can be a bad place for
children
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 if unsupervised, and they could spend
hours
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 on their
smartphones
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 affecting their brain, their growth, and how they will eventually become as a person.
Lastly
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, in my
opinion
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opinion,
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 I believe that
children
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 spending
hours
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 on their
smartphones
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as
Correct your spelling
is
show examples
 a positive development
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 if supervised by the
parents
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 of the
children
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.
Children
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could
Wrong verb form
can
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 learn so
much
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many
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 things on their
smartphones
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 and
smartphones
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 help
parents
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 to get a break
in
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from
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 taking care of their
children
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 by providing
entertainment
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 and fun. But
parents
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 must supervise their
children
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 to be sure that they are spending
hours
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 on their
smartphones
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 consuming the right type of
content
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,
that
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and that
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 they aren't being told to do things or watching
content
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that is
Linking Words
 wrong for their age
,
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apply
show examples
 because that could easily affect how their child grows and becomes as a person.
Submitted by lydiaia on

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task achievement
You have addressed the task well by presenting both sides of the argument. However, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single point more clearly, and more specific examples could make your ideas stronger.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure and flows well. To improve, make sure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and logical progression. Use more linking words and cohesive devices to show more complex relationships between ideas.
coherence cohesion
While you have a clear introduction and conclusion, aim to make them more concise and to the point. Your conclusion could be stronger by summarizing the main points more effectively.
task achievement
Your essay offers a balanced view on the topic and discusses both the positive and negative aspects of children spending time on smartphones.
coherence cohesion
The use of paragraphs to separate ideas is done well, making the essay easy to follow.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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