IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people feel that entertainers (e.g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of job should be highly paid?

#people #entertainers #e #g #film #stars #pop #musicians #sports #money #job
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In
this
 contemporary era, most
people
 feel that artists are paid too much money. I strongly concur with
this
 view. In
this
 essay, I will provide my opinion on
this
 matter. Nowadays, many
people
 think that artists are not worth it to get a high salary. One of the main reasons is that there are some negative impacts that have caused a
lot
 of
people
 to follow the behaviour of artists. They should give some behaviour that
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 good because they have a big impact on society.
For example
, there are teams of footballs supporting the LGBT when they are playing in the World Cup.
This
 will trigger a
lot
 of
people
 to follow
this
 manner because they have a big impact on society.
Hence
, they are not worth it to get a
lot
 of money because there are a
lot
 of disadvantages that have been led by the entertainment industry.
On the other hand
, societies should notice and provide high salaries to workers who deserve them. they must reward the workers who have helped
this
 country progress.
For instance
, the teachers who have educated the students to achieve their goals. The role of teachers is very crucial.
Therefore
, the teacher must be appreciated
due to
 they have made the students successful in attaining their purposes. So, societies must give rewards and increase the salary to workers who deserve to receive it.
Submitted by akbarsurya264 on

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coherence cohesion
Present more structured arguments and clearer ideas to enhance coherence.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each idea connects logically to the next, allowing a smoother flow of thoughts.
introduction conclusion present
The essay has a clear introduction and appropriately addresses the topic.
task achievement
The essay provides a perspective on overpayment of entertainers and suggests alternatives.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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