IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Several people assert that the main cause of crime is an economically disadvantaged background. However, others say that crime is caused by a person’s nature. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

There have been growing concerns about ever-increasing
crimes
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 all over the world, the main reason is economically disadvantaged background. I understand
this
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 viewpoint because it is hard to maintain a basic standard of living, thereby the financial problems.
However
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, at the same time, I believe
people
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 might be able to commit
crimes
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 because of their impulsive personalities.
Firstly
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, an economically undeveloped environment seems to affect
people
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's violent behaviours.
This
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 is because citizens in poor countries cannot be provided basic facilities like
fresh water
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freshwater
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 or appropriate clothes.
In addition
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, there are lack of schools or educational institutes so
people
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 will live under low quality of life. As for the main cause of these unfavourable views, I believe
people
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 seem more likely to commit
crimes
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.
For instance
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, without having
such
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 facilities, individuals might be able to break the law for survival, robbing food or expensive things to maintain their lives.
Therefore
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, I believe that
people
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 living in areas that have been struggling with financial problems are potentially exposed to committing serious
crimes
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.
However
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, some
people
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 may have committed
crimes
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 unconsciously. Just imagine that a person who often hurts others without any reason. We listen to the news with these kinds of
people
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 in common these days, making
people
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 feel scared, innocent citizens are attacked by criminals who have violent personalities. I think those who commit
crimes
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 intentionally can negatively affect society's threatened environment. Another concern is that individuals sometimes commit
crimes
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 to show their strength.
In other words
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, a person's nature that desires to be shown strongly contributes to committing
crimes
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.
Consequently
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, I believe that negative
people
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's nature can result in damaging ordinary
people
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 and society.
To sum up
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, as compared above,
crimes
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 may arise for several reasons.
However
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, as a person who puts more value on
people
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's situations, I believe more citizens may wrestle with
crimes
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 by undeveloped finances. I think we should assist those countries by providing donations and investing money.

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task achievement
Your essay covers both viewpoints and presents your own opinion, which is great. However, to achieve a higher score, ensure each point is fully developed. Provide more specific examples and statistics to support your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical flow between your ideas. Use more transitional words and phrases to connect your points smoothly.
coherence cohesion
Although your introduction and conclusion are present, make sure your conclusion more clearly summarizes the main points discussed in the essay.
general
You have addressed the topic effectively, discussing both views and providing a personal opinion.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction sets up the essay well, and your conclusion attempts to summarize your thoughts.
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