IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to a successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #university #college #route #career #job #school
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The question has been brought up: what is the best way to achieve a delightful
career
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? Is either getting a bachelor's degree at
university
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 or college after
school
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? Or getting a
job
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right
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 after senior high? In my opinion, both options have benefits, and both could be useful in its own way. On the one hand, some believe the best way to get a good
job
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 is by studying at a
university
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 or college. Because you will have a higher education on your resume, and
that is
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 what companies are most looking at when you graduate.
Also
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, in the
university
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, you can choose the most interesting major and learn;
thus
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, you know what you want to do in the future. The environment around you is
also
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 a key to helping you be successful in a future
career
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. Going to a well-known college will get you in touch with more people who can help you to achieve a better
career
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 and more chances to get a good
job
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.
On the other hand
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, some believe getting a
job
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right
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 after
school
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 is a better plan for achievement. Some people might know their
career
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 in high
school
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,
such
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 as working in the fashion industry, where you don’t need as much academic knowledge as others so that they can pursue their dream
right
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 after.
Moreover
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, you can earn your salary earlier in life, so you don’t have to spend lots of tuition on
school
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. Going to work
right
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 after can
also
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 help you to adapt to social life faster. The path to accomplishment is not a single railway. You can get a higher education by going to
university
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 or going straight to work after secondary
school
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 as long as you know your goal. I believe there are many ways to succeed, and it all depends on your own will and what is best for each individual.
Submitted by martinawang1106 on

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Task Response
The clarity of your answer could be slightly improved. Be sure to clearly state an opinion in the introduction, and maintain that viewpoint throughout the essay for a full response. It is also crucial to fully develop your ideas to get a higher score in task response.
Coherence and Cohesion
You have organised your ideas in a logical manner, with relevant paragraphs. However, it could be improved by more effective use of linking words and phrases to help connect sentences and ideas more cohesively.
Lexical Resource
Your vocabulary uses a good range of everyday and advanced vocabulary accurately, showing your ability to express ideas using different words and phrases.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Your grammatical range is quite good, but remember to maintain a good balance between simple and compound structures. Also, be careful with punctuation.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Academic qualifications
  • Specialized skills
  • In-depth knowledge
  • Personal growth
  • Social development
  • Practical experience
  • Financial independence
  • Career progression
  • Professional networking
  • Education
  • Work experience
  • Successful career
  • Personal interests
  • Career goals
  • Decision-making process
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