In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?
Careful consideration must be given to whether or not having too many elders is beneficial for society. From the writer's perspective, the drawbacks of postponing economic growth and financial pressures on the
government
far outweigh the benefit
of establishing a strong community.
To commence with, delaying the developments in the economy is one of the cons of having many older Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
people
. In other words
, because old workers always show poor performances in their jobs, individuals also
display lower productivity than the young ones. As a result
, elderly workforces are the prime barriers for all firms due to
ineffective operations that make them far from success.
Furthermore
, dealing with the strain in finance on the government
is literally a disadvantage of the increasing elderly. To be more specific, the old who retire after a long period of working are able to receive social welfare from the government
such
as pensions. Moreover
, because individuals just gain these benefits without paying any fees,the government
cannot return the amount of money they spent , leading to a shortage in their budgets and not have
more spending on other vital categories. Wrong verb form
having
For example
, in 2021, 22% of local authorities in Japan had to spend Correct article usage
a totally
totally
Change the word
total
$
700 million every year for the officers who were in retirement, Change preposition
of $
this
practice also
made
3% of these authorities Verb problem
left
were
in red for a long time.
Unnecessary verb
apply
However
, some people
believe that having a large number of elderly people
helps their communities more solid. It must be recognized that seniors are people
who have undergone many aspects of their lives so they are experienced in several parts of society that can direct future generations to build adequate communities in productive ways.This
point may be true, but some views of the elderly are obsolete and irrelevant to contemporary issues ,so it is perhaps not essential at now.
In conclusion, the advantage of making a community with stability is greatly outweighed by the disadvantage of putting off economic developments
Fix the agreement mistake
development
as well as
the government
's financial stress. Hence
, it i not beneficial for society when having ageing
populationAdd an article
an ageing
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task response
The essay covers the main aspects of the question well, but could benefit from a more balanced discussion of the advantages of an ageing population. Consider addressing both sides more equally.
task response
Ensure that ideas are presented clearly. There are some sentences that could be rephrased for clarity and precision. For example, 'individuals also display lower productivity than the young ones' could be clearer if rewritten as 'older individuals generally exhibit lower productivity compared to their younger counterparts.'
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, make sure all arguments and ideas are logically connected. Some transitions could be smoother. For instance, using linking words like 'therefore' and 'however' more effectively would improve the flow of your argument.
coherence cohesion
Check for minor grammar errors and awkward phrasing to improve overall readability. For example, 'not have more spending on other vital categories' should be corrected to 'not having more funds to spend on other vital categories.'
introduction conclusion present
The introduction clearly states the writer's position and sets the tone for the essay.
relevant specific examples
The essay includes specific examples, such as the 2021 data from Japan, which adds credibility and relevance to the arguments.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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