Some people think that company should provide employees with exercise time during the day. What is your opinion about this?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
With a fast-paced lifestyle, concerns about health and
wellbeing
Correct your spelling
well-being
show examples
are rising especially among the working class. Some
people
advocate that employers should allow the
employees
time
for
exercise
during their working hours, I strongly agree with
this
idea because it contributes to
employees
' mental and physical
wellbeings
Correct your spelling
well-being
show examples
as well as
companies' benefits.
To begin
with, regular
exercise
can improve physical fitness, which is a fact that everyone knows but is always neglected
due to
tremendous
Correct article usage
the tremendous
show examples
workload and a sedentary lifestyle. Researches reveal that the age of getting obesity, diabetes and heart attack becomes younger and younger. To tackle
this
issue, certain
time
Fix the agreement mistake
times
show examples
of
exercise
should be encouraged after hours of working in the office or workshops.
Nevertheless
, as
employees
' fatigue and tiresome can be largely reduced by the relaxation and
refreshness
Correct your spelling
refreshment
acquired from the break
time
, working efficiency will be greatly improved,
thus
benefiting a company's daily operation. Meanwhile,
exercise
not only has a vital effect on
people
's physical health
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
but
also
significantly
enhance
Correct subject-verb agreement
enhances
show examples
people
's mental
stablility
Correct your spelling
stability
.
Scientisits
Correct your spelling
Scientists
prove that sports and
exercise
can create a so-called "happiness element" which can help
people
discharge pressure and get ready for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
new challenges.
In addition
,
during
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
time
when a team is exercising and relaxing,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is
also
a good chance to communicate, socialise and enhance interpersonal relationships. Working out together may even bring
inspirations
Fix the agreement mistake
inspiration
show examples
and cultivate
teamwork
Correct article usage
a teamwork
show examples
spirit which is
conductive
Correct your spelling
conducive
show examples
to
maintain
Wrong verb form
maintaining
show examples
a harmonious and sustainable working environment.
Although
some
people
would argue that too much
time
on
exercise
at work will increase employee's energy consumption, I believe reasonable relaxation is a must for both individual and
Correct article usage
the compay's
show examples
compay's
Correct your spelling
company's
company
long-run development. As a fact, many companies nowadays have a gym onsite which is very popular among their
employees
.
To conclude
, I reckon that all employers should provide
time
for
exercise
to gain mutual
benefts
Correct your spelling
benefits
.
Submitted by carriexue23 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

clarity
Try to break down complex ideas into simpler sentences to improve clarity. Long sentences might sometimes confuse readers.
content development
Expand on specific examples a bit more to make your points stronger and more relatable.
structure
Clear introduction and conclusion that frame the essay nicely.
coherence
Good logical flow that makes the essay easy to follow.
task response
Relevant arguments that stay on topic throughout the essay.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: