IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus more on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #illness #disease #governments #focus #pollution
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There is a controversial perspective
whether
Change preposition
on whether
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 authorities should mainly improve the degradation of
environment
Correct article usage
the environment
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 and accommodation issues in order to reduce
illness
Use synonyms
 and
disease
Use synonyms
. Personally, I completely consider myself
as
Change preposition
apply
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an advocate of
this
Linking Words
 conception. Without a shadow of a doubt, in
this
Linking Words
 day and age, there are abundant
problems
Use synonyms
 leading to the increase of
illness
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 and
disease
Use synonyms
, yet I suppose governments should concentrate more on environmental matters. And
this
Linking Words
Linking Words
due
Add a missing verb
is due
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 to the fact that environmental issues directly influence the living surroundings of people.
For
Linking Words
example
Add a comma
example,
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 petroleum plastic bags
as well as
Linking Words
 transportation releasing large amounts of carbon footprint may lead to respiratory
illness
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 or lung cancer.
Additionally
Linking Words
, by clearing the tree without
permissions
Fix the agreement mistake
permission
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 for self-serving, dwellers do not have adequate sources of oxygen to live.
Thus
Linking Words
, making an improvement to environmental issues by the authorities plays
Linking Words
such
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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a paramount role in protecting us from
illness
Use synonyms
 and
disease
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
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,
while
Linking Words
 the environmental
problems
Use synonyms
 are conquered, housing
problems
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 should be enhanced simultaneously by the governments. And the explanation for
this
Linking Words
 could be that catastrophic and contaminated houses with no ventilation are the place where newly negative
bacterias
Fix the agreement mistake
bacteria
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 are produced.
For example
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, Covid 19 virus which was originally from the Vu Han slum area has taken over millions of lives as the closeness of houses
contributing
Wrong verb form
contributed
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 to
outbreak
Add an article
the outbreak
an outbreak
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 of
disease
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.
Hence
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, it is important that housing
problems
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 be dealt with immediately by the
governments
Fix the agreement mistake
government
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. In conclusion, I would contend that to protect individuals from
illness
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 and
disease
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, the authorities should mainly concentrate on environmental pollution and housing
problems
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by hominhtrang995 on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the task prompt effectively, but could benefit from deeper exploration and development of key points. Try to include more specific and detailed examples to support your arguments.
coherence cohesion
The essay is generally well-organized, but some transitions between ideas lack smoothness. Ensure that each paragraph flows logically to the next and that ideas are clearly and cohesively linked.
language use
Try to vary your sentence structures and use more advanced vocabulary to demonstrate a higher level of linguistic proficiency. This will make your arguments more compelling and sophisticated.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and clearly state your position, which contributes to a well-rounded essay structure.
task achievement
Your main points are relevant and you provide clear ideas that respond to the task prompt.
task achievement
You make good use of examples to illustrate your points, which helps to support your arguments.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive healthcare
  • environmental regulations
  • respiratory diseases
  • public health policies
  • sanitation facilities
  • urban planning
  • communicable diseases
  • socio-economic factors
  • sustainable development
  • government intervention
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • industrial emissions
  • air quality index
  • affordable housing
  • mental wellbeing
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