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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the number of employed persons by job type and sex for Australia last year Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart below shows the number of employed persons by job type and sex for Australia last year Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
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The bar chart gives
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
information on
Australian's
Correct your spelling
Australia's
show examples
 employment situation
last
Linking Words
 year. The data is broken down into different genders and
job
Use synonyms
types
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
,
men
Use synonyms
dominant
Replace the word
dominated
show examples
 the employment in majority
Use synonyms
job
Change preposition
of job
show examples
types
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 more
women
Use synonyms
 were employed in clerical and
professionals
Change the noun form
professional
show examples
 jobs. It is evident when looking at the bar chart that
men
Use synonyms
 in Australia had greater
job
Use synonyms
 opportunities than
women
Use synonyms
. Out of seven
job
Use synonyms
types
Use synonyms
, five jobs hired more
men
Use synonyms
 than
women
Use synonyms
last
Linking Words
 year. In
tradespeople
Correct article usage
the tradespeople
show examples
sector
Use synonyms
, the highest number of Australian
men
Use synonyms
 were employed, at 900,000, 8 times more than
Use synonyms
women
Correct article usage
the women
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 workforce. At the same time, the number of
men
Use synonyms
worked
Wrong verb form
working
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 in
production
Correct article usage
the production
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 and managers
Use synonyms
sector
Fix the agreement mistake
sectors
show examples
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 4.5 and 2 times, respectively, more than
women
Use synonyms
.
Others
Correct your spelling
In other
show examples
 sectors,
such
Linking Words
 as semi-professionals and labourers,
women
Use synonyms
's employment was only one-third of
men
Use synonyms
's. Interestingly, the
sector
Use synonyms
 with
Add an article
the second
show examples
second largest
Add a hyphen
second-largest
show examples
 amount of male workforce (almost 900,000), the clerical
sector
Use synonyms
, had more
women
Use synonyms
 working than
men
Use synonyms
. The statistic shows that there were
less
Correct quantifier usage
fewer
show examples
 Australian
women
Use synonyms
 working in the majority of
job
Use synonyms
types
Use synonyms
, with no more than 400,000 female workforce.
However
Linking Words
, in
professionals
Correct article usage
the professionals
show examples
 and clerical
sector
Use synonyms
, the chances of hiring
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 were over
male's
Change noun form
males
show examples
, with approximately 100,000 (the former) and 50,000 (the latter) more
women
Use synonyms
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
hired than
men
Use synonyms
 in these areas.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "last".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words job, types, men, women, sector with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • employed persons
  • job type
  • sex
  • employment figures
  • gender distribution
  • full-time
  • part-time
  • casual
  • professionals
  • managers
  • technicians
  • service workers
  • clerical staff
  • laborers
  • skilled trades
  • predominantly
  • discrepancy
  • proportionally
  • sectors
  • industries
  • dominance
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