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Band 5

The average standard of people's health is likely to be lower in the future than it is now. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #health #future
Some
people
 contend that the average standard of
people
's health will decline in the
future
,
while
 others believe that the standard will be better than now. In
this
 essay, I will address two diametrically opposed views
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and reason out the conclusion. With the advancement of up-to-date technologies in the medical fields in the modern world, a myriad of
people
 will be taken care of their
diseases
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 and their unhealthy
coniditons
Correct your spelling
conditions
condition
.
Thus
, the more the technologies develop, the more
people
 will be treated and cured. That could lead to a society
that
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in that
show examples
 a
majoriy
Correct your spelling
majority
 of residents do not have any illness
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 or underlying health
coniditions
Correct your spelling
conditions
.
Hence
, the average standard of
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
healthy
Replace the word
health
show examples
 will rise.
For instance
,
a
Correct article usage
apply
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several years ago,
people
 considered thyroid cancer as a severe problem as there was not much information about the cancer.
However
, with the development in the way of operating the surgery and in the medicine related to
this
 disease,
people
 do not take it as a very serious thing for now and almost of patients are fully cured.
While
, even though there is a noteworthy development in medical industries, the number of patients who have chronic
diseases
such
 as hypertension, or diabetes will not be sharply changed. Normally, chronic
diseases
 are considered
as
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apply
show examples
a
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apply
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lifetime
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
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 with various fluctuating symptoms.
Also
,
the
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apply
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elderly
people
 have a tendency to get those
diseases
 easily as they are getting old compared to the younger generations.
As well as
this
, lots of countries have had a problem
in
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with
show examples
the
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apply
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low birth rates, which means there will be more senior citizens in the
future
 who have underlying health conditions.
According to
this
, the average standard of
people
's wellness will be lower. In conclusion, it can be observed that there are two contradicting viewpoints, which are both, to a certain degree, convincing. It seems to me that even though there will be more senior
people
 in the
future
 with chronic
deseases
Correct your spelling
diseases
, the development of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
technology
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 play a vital role
to take
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in taking
show examples
 care
those
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of those
show examples
 conditions.
Therefore
, I consider the average
stand
Correct your spelling
standard
show examples
 of
people
's wellness will go down in the
future
.
Submitted by mirea0124 on

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General
1. Ensure accuracy and precision in spelling and grammar to maintain clarity and professionalism. 2. Improve sentence variety and transition usage to enhance readability and cohesion. 3. Strengthen examples and explanations to add depth and support to your arguments.
Task Achievement
Your introduction clearly outlines the essay's purpose and previews the arguments. However, ensure consistency in your reasoning for better coherence between opposing views. When addressing the declining health standards, provide detailed, specific, and varied examples to better support your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay is logically structured, with a clear progression of ideas. The introduction and conclusion are well-presented. However, some areas exhibit minor lapses in coherence and cohesion due to awkward transitional phrases. Work on using a greater variety of cohesive devices to bind your ideas more effectively.
General
The introduction and conclusion are clear and provide a comprehensive overview of the argument being made.
Task Achievement
There is a commendable attempt to provide balanced arguments by addressing both sides of the topic, which demonstrates critical thinking skills.
Coherence and Cohesion
Each paragraph focuses on a clear main point, and there is an effort to support these points with examples and explanations.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • 1. Standard of health
  • 2. Average
  • 3. Lower
  • 4. Future
  • 5. Aging population
  • 6. Chronic diseases
  • 7. Sedentary lifestyle
  • 8. Lack of exercise
  • 9. Poor dietary habits
  • 10. Environmental pollution
  • 11. Technological advancements
  • 12. Impact on health
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