IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some People believe that allowing children to make their own choice on everyday matters (such as food, clothes and entertainment) is likely to result in a society of individuals who only think about their own wishes. Other People believe that it is important for children to make decisions about matters that affect them. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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There are two opposite opinions about children's upbringing, on the one hand letting them rule their own routine will provide to the growing generation of consumers who don't care about circumstances ,
on the other hand
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, taking responsibility for common actions in childhood forms the generation which is ready to take new challenges.
Due to
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 the first point of view, the opportunity to buy goods at
early
Add an article
an early
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 age makes false sense that there are no restrictions.
According to
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 the previous statement, it leads to
unwisely
Change the adverb
unwise
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 consumption.
However
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, the average of these behaviours is not big.
For example
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,
last
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 year's research in sales was made from 10 to 15 years old person by the MGU showing statistics just up to 3%. The most common reason for these actions was infancy.
On the contrary
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, giving permission to the young ones to solve their usual occasions themselves illustrates the high efficiency and the high potential in the adults' lives. Because of form in terms of behaviour young human comes to society as a good member, who are ready to solve emerging problems.To illustrate
this
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 argument, there is the data from the Scientific magazine named "Science and Life" . It has been studied children's behaviour in various periods and concluded that
such
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 variant of upbringing provides 67% of successful following activity.
This
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 method is preferable, it is proven by the statistics. In conclusion,
although
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 limiting a child in his decision wouldn't show good results in his future consuming culture,
that is
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 why it is more important to let them lead soul making their own way.
Therefore
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, in my opinion, the idea of limiting cannot be supported. After thorough analyses, it is better to avoid society members ruling their common actions.

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coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is good, but it can be enhanced by ensuring each paragraph clearly develops a single idea. Try to provide a clearer distinction between the points you are discussing.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present and serve their purpose, but try to make them more impactful. The introduction could be more engaging, and the conclusion should summarize the main points more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are supported, but there is room for improvement. Make sure to provide more detailed examples and explanations to strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
You have addressed both views and given your opinion, which is good. However, ensure that your opinion is more clearly stated and integrated throughout the essay.
task achievement
Try to express your ideas more clearly and comprehensively. Avoid overly complex sentences which may confuse the reader, and instead focus on clarity and simplicity.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to support your arguments. The examples you provided are relevant but need to be more detailed to effectively illustrate your points.
task achievement
You have made a good effort to address both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced approach.
coherence cohesion
The essay is logically structured with a clear introduction and conclusion.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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