IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that professional athletes serve as positive role models for young people, while others argue that their behavior both on and off the field has a negative influence. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

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There are two controversial perspectives heating a debate over whether
athletes
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 are a good or bad
example
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 for youngsters to follow. In my opinion
the
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apply
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athletic experts have some positive and negative effects on
children
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. Without a shadow of a doubt, professional
athletes
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 play a paramount significant role in boosting unlucky
childs
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children
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 so they can overcome their hardship.
It is clear that
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 around the world there are many teenagers who weren't born with a healthy body and it might make them feel bad about themselves and avoid social life. But when they look at disabled
athletes
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 and see their efforts to touch the glory those
children
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 could be encouraged and have more faith in themselves.
For
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example
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, Natalia Partyka, an expert athlete, won the first prize
on
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in
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 table tennis in Olympia 2021 with only one hand. Her victory had made many
children
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 learn the resilience spirit.
Hence
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, athletic people can set a good
example
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 for youngsters.
On the other hand
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, many athletic players have various acts that can affect the
behavior
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behaviour
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 of
children
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. Some famous
athletes
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 have an unhealthy life that can make their younger fans who are too young to acknowledge the acts of their idols are good or wrong and they just want to mimic them to feel closer to their
favorite
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favourite
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athletes
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.
For
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example
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, some professional
athletes
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 often spend their
night
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nights
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 at a bar club and use banned substances. Their younger fans can know about those
behaviors
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behaviours
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 and try to copy them because they think it
was
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is
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 cool.
As a
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result
Add a comma
result,
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 they might harm themselves.
Thus
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,
daily
Correct article usage
the daily
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 activities of
athletes
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 can cause harm
for
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to
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children
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. In conclusion, professional players can have a significant effect on teenagers in both good and bad ways so they should notice and control their behavior

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task response
Although your introduction outlines both sides of the debate and states your opinion, it could be improved by clearly stating what each paragraph will discuss. Introducing your main points briefly in the introduction will provide a more precise roadmap for the reader.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences seem a bit awkward and could benefit from restructuring to enhance clarity. Additionally, making sure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next would improve cohesion. For example, using phrases like 'on the positive side' or 'conversely' can help.
task response
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points discussed in the essay, reinforcing your overall argument.
task response
You have used a relevant and specific example (Natalia Partyka) to support your argument about positive role models, which strengthens your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Each paragraph clearly focuses on one side of the argument, which contributes to better logical structure and makes the essay easier to follow.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • role model
  • determination
  • discipline
  • work ethic
  • community service
  • charitable activities
  • poor behavior
  • unsportsmanlike conduct
  • media scrutiny
  • public perception
  • materialism
  • physical and mental health issues
  • impressionable youth
  • high levels
  • pursuing sports
  • positive influence
  • negative influence
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