Nowadays both men and women spend a lot of money on beauty care than ever before. What may be the primary reason for this? Is this is positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#men #women #money #beauty #care #reason #development

Certain individuals irrespective of their gender are attracted by the trend of personal beautification and use a lot of money to enhance their looks. There can be a multitude of reasons attributed to

such

an issue. In

this

essay,

causes

Correct article usage

the causes

show examples

this

trend and

it's

Correct your spelling

its

show examples

negative outcomes will be explored. In the contemporary era, people want to hide signs of ageing or any medical conditions

through

Change preposition

show examples

looking young. Basically, it helps them to improve their first impression at work or in some situations it is

also

helpful in finding suitable

partner

Fix the agreement mistake

partners

show examples

for them.

Besides

this

, physical appeal is promoted on

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

social media apps which allure them to imitate these things in their life. To exemplify, many women use fillers to inject under their

face's

Change noun form

face

show examples

skin to reduce the wrinkles that make them look old. These injections are replacing many other procedures in the aestheticians' clinics which had short-term effects on their skin.

In contrast

, many people in modern society are ignorant towards adverse side effects of

such

care products because these provide a sense of pleasure which diminishes the frugality of an individual.

In addition

, the chemicals used for these beauty enhancement procedures are not scientifically studied.

For instance

, doctors tend to advise the obesity patients to work on weight loss by

exercises

Fix the agreement mistake

exercise

show examples

or diet

however

the patients choose for the weight reduction surgeries. These are not only

life threatening

Add a hyphen

life-threatening

show examples

but only lead to paralysis of body functions of the individual. In conclusion, it is crucial to calculate the

cost

Fix the agreement mistake

costs

show examples

and

benefit

Fix the agreement mistake

benefits

show examples

before undergoing these kinds of procedures. It can be detrimental

for

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show examples

someone's health. The purpose of using beauty care can be fulfilled by other methods

such

healthy

Correct article usage

a healthy

show examples

diet or exercises which are more natural and holistic towards

human

Add an article

the human

show examples

body. From my

perspesctive

Correct your spelling

perspective

masses

Correct article usage

the masses

show examples

should avoid these extreme ways.

Submitted by Kiran on Sun May 19 2024

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task

Your essay does a good job of introducing the topic and mentioning several key reasons why people spend more on beauty care today. However, your response could benefit from more detailed development of these points. Consider adding more data, examples, and research to support your assertions more effectively.

coherence

Try to ensure that all your ideas flow logically from one to the next. Some parts of your essay feel a bit disjointed. Using clear linking words and phrases can help improve the coherence of your essay.

cohesion

While you have an introduction and a conclusion, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that the conclusion effectively sums up the main points discussed in the essay while presenting your final viewpoint.

task

The introduction clearly sets up the topic and the scope of your essay.

task

You’ve done a good job of providing relevant examples to support some of your points.

cohesion

The conclusion provides a solid summary of your arguments and offers a clear final perspective.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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8Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
0Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
15Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

302 words

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Nowadays both men and women spend a lot of money on beauty care than ever before. What may be the primary reason for this? Is this is positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Some people think that living in big cities is bad for people’s health. To what extent do you disagree or agree?

Humans are damaging the environment. What problems can this create? What are some solutions?

Nowadays, many people have to work longer hours, and they feel more stressed out than before. What are the reasons for stress at the workplace? What can employers do to make their employees’ life easier?

In many countries, the amount o f crime is increasing What do you think are the main causes o f crime? How can we deal with those causes?

Some people think a rise in the standard of living in a country only seems to benefit cities more than rural areas. What problems may those differences cause? How to reduce this problem?