IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people think that private companies should not be allowed to carry out any technology. Only the government can do it. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #companies #technology #government
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In the
mordern
Correct your spelling
modern
 world,
technology
 has been a promising sector
which
Change preposition
in which
show examples
 everyone would aim to take control. There have been arguments that
technology
 should not be implemented by private
business
Fix the agreement mistake
businesses
show examples
, as the right is in the government's
hand
Fix the agreement mistake
hands
show examples
. I strongly advocate that private companies should be allowed to conduct
technology
 under the regulations issued by the authorities. Nowadays, with the freely available
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
information and knowledge,
technology
 is no longer an elite game. There've been many discoveries coming from the ordinary crowd. To name a few, we have Steve Jobs and his crowning achievement- Apple products, who held several copyrights for his innovations and making the lives of people more convenient.
Hence
,
technology
 should be accessible
by
Change preposition
to
show examples
 everyone to promote
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
creativity and
pushing
Wrong verb form
push
show examples
 new breakthroughs.
However
, as the potentials of the machinery world are unpredictable, it is essential that there are regulations and
rule
Fix the agreement mistake
rules
show examples
 to make sure everything is under control.
For example
, how dangerous it would be if some random commoners
can
Wrong verb form
could
show examples
 use
his
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 skills and knowledge to build destructive devices,
such
 as guns. The situations can easily be chaotic if there
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 no restrictions.
Thus
, the
policy makers
Correct your spelling
policymakers
show examples
 need to pay close attention to the new advances
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
technology
 and issue suitable laws to
mitogate
Correct your spelling
mitigate
 the possible risks of new developments. In a nutshell,
private
Correct article usage
the private
show examples
sectors
Fix the agreement mistake
sector
show examples
 should have the right to carry out
technology
, as long as they are being regulated closely by the governors.
Submitted by kimtruong270192 on

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task achievement
Your essay would benefit from a more balanced argument. While you clearly advocated for private companies to use technology, acknowledging the potential benefits of government control in certain sectors could provide a more nuanced perspective.
task achievement
Work on providing more specific and varied examples. Using Apple and Steve Jobs was effective, but additional examples could strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to your language accuracy. While minor inaccuracies do not significantly impact, eliminating them can make your essay even more impressive. For instance, 'mitogate' should be 'mitigate.'
coherence cohesion
Consider using more formal transitions to improve flow between ideas. Phrases like 'Moreover,' 'Furthermore,' and 'On the other hand,' can help maintain coherence.
structure
Your introduction and conclusion are well-crafted and provide a clear overview of your stance.
support
You effectively used examples to support your points, making your arguments stronger and easier to follow.
task achievement
Your writing demonstrates a good command of the topic and provides clear and comprehensive ideas.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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